Transcript
features
14
the oyez’s guide to
18 sls survivor 20
is niiice!!!! borat takes a tour of windsor law
26 see where the law III’s are mailing it in from! 30
Part 2 - First Man Down!
22
28
exchange student speaks again
unconventional advice: “dear navy seal”
plagiarized (with citations) from the law I blog Those were the days … by sean k
departments 3
editoria
5
all the fake news that’s fit to print
8
dear mary
11
barbs and jabs
12
diversions
24
head to head
25
the MSN chat session of the month
32
the last word
...next semester I SWEAR I’m going to class...
the oyez | contents | 1
our mission The Oyez is a magazine by law students for law students in the finest tradition of satire and critique. As the only intentionally funny thing about law school, The Oyez isn’t afraid to show just how ridiculous the law and the school experience can be. We aim to please, and are pleased to take aim. Also available online and in technicolour at www.uwindsor.ca/theoyez.
submissions The Oyez welcomes all student submissions, though it reserves the right not to print anything banal, offensive, un-funny or below our entirely subjective B curve. Drop any work, tips, hints, news, gossip or otherwise interesting tidbits at [email protected] sometime before any one of our four issues in September, November, January, and March.
tenured faculty Aaron Collins — Paloma Ellard
sessional Nicole Corriero — Fred Gerra — Sean Kumar — Mark Loya — Jennifer Lum Graham MacLeod — Shaun Miller — Jay Rivait — Dave Smith — Mik Vasarais — Mike Vogel
6 months and counting...
and counting...
I received Aaron’s second email asking for my two page contribution to Oyez-dom and it was in that precise moment I realized I had absolutely nothing to write about—or at least I had nothing law related to write about. That is not to say I am not doing any law school related things, contrary to popular opinion I am “studying” in Amsterdam, rather I think it is because after all the years of moaning about school, I have realized that in less than six months I will be done. Finito. I suppose I realize now that this student lifestyle that I so readily scorned in the past—it ain’t so bad. It will almost certainly be better than spending 16 hours a day in a box I will call my office. I mean, sure you’re all probably studying that much now a month before the exam, feverishly doing the readings you’ve neglected all semester, wondering how you’re going to get it all done, wondering when it will just end… but sincerely, we have to make the most of these days. That’s not to say you need to go out and do something silly like apply to grad school! No, it just means that for one third of this school in six short months the “not-so-fun” will really begin. So take a break, put down that textbook an hour earlier tonight and go out for a beer with friends. Discuss the wisdom of what that Paloma girl said and enjoy life a little while you can. Or just go have a beer.
jingle bells,
Jingle bell... No, that’s not the sound of any partisan holiday carolers singing through the streets of Windsor. It’s the sound, to paraphrase a guy in the fantasy football pool, of “the bell tolling for thee”. That’s right it’s exam and paper time again. Time to saddle up, steal some notes and crack the books. I was thinking about how I can’t wait to be free from writing exams at this time next year, and how the holiday season would be glorious once again, like the days of yesteryear. That was until someone pointed out I’ll probably be slaving away in due diligence purgatory through the holidays while articling next year. So I guess my dreams of the “Christmas of Collins” will have to be put on hold until some other year, like when I retire. But I digress. Anyway, to help you through what is sure to be the oyez crew has put together a supersized with plenty of procrastination goodness. My everyone who contributed. Your work is, appreciated. Good luck on exams everyone, holiday.
many a long night issue, jam packed thanks go out to as always, much and have a good
the oyez | editoria | 3
Student Uproar Over Free Pizza
T
he Student Disability Office put on a seminar earlier this month to inform students of the Office’s role in helping students write exams on a level playing field. The seminar was well attended, partly because of the highly sensitive subject matter, and partly because of the free pizza that was offered for lunch. In what the administration is calling “the clearest example that students will complain about anything”, controversy erupted as SLS VP Finance Faran Umar-Khitab ate 1 ½ times the pizza as everyone else who attended the seminar. Apparently
Umar-Khitab
Umar-Khitab suffers from hyperphagia, a s y m p t o m characterized by excessive hunger and solid food intake.
“One-and-ahalf is just a starting point,” said UmarKhitab brandishing a doctor’s note, including a signature from the University clinic. “I go see these dudes every semester and we modify my special eats accommodation plan. Sometimes I need double food, sometimes one-and-a-
third. Sometimes I just need a quiet place to eat.” Prior to the forum, rumours had spread throughout campus that Umar-Khitab and Dean Bruce Elman had pooled law school and SLS funds to finance secret elaborate feasts. Further allegations implicated the two in using the recent Breakfast with Bruce as a ruse to funnel food into their respective offices. Associate Dean Mary Gold told the Oyez that while she couldn’t discuss specific cases, nutrition is a human right and Windsor Law must provide food. Sources say Umar-Khitab’s condition has worsened. He was recently spotted ordering a second fried egg atop his Ferrary’s poutine.
Supreme Court Drops Briefs
A
ccording to Nancy Tiemann, the tour operator of Bare Necessities cruise line, “at least one” Supreme Court Justice peeled off his or her Santa Claus suit as a member of one of the operator’s 38 nude cruises. The article, published in the San Francisco Chronicle, did not detail which esteemed judge(s) dropped the legal briefs for the distinguished comfort of the
birthday suit. However, in an exclusive, anonymous interview the Oyez was able to discuss the judge nude cruising it up. Apparently t h e motivating factor was last year’s Law Games. “I went to law games last year You will never un-see a n d Justice Fish in that thought… pose. Your welcome. =) man I miss that kind of freedom. When I was bored one day in the office I decided to cruise the web for vacations that weren’t exactly ‘normal’. This was what I came up with.” When asked about whether they thought this was an appropriate vacation for a someone charged with deciphering what the community standard of tolerance is for the whole country, the conversation took a different tone. “What, you think just because I wanna sing some Jon Bon Jovi songs at naked karaoke I can’t judge what’s right or wrong for this country? Man for a reporter making up news you’re sure closed minded. Goodbye.” Further phone calls were not returned.
(Continued on next page)
the oyez | fake news | 5
Lexpert’s “Bottom 40 Under 40”
I
The Bottom 40 List is due to much better for him than be out early in the new year. teaching estates.” Professor Pillay said. “We all thought that his bright yellow top was an eyesore, but I guess he made us look like fools.”
Ocheje to Model for Old Navy
n a controversial move that is sure to garner a lot of attention from the legal community, Lexpert has decided to augment its annual In a surprise move, clothing “Top 40 Under 40”. retailer Old Navy held a The new list, tentatively press conference yesterday to that Prof. Paul titled the “Bottom 40 Under announce would be the new 40” will feature the worst Ocheje legal practioners under 40 spokesperson for the spring line of Performance Fleece. years of age. Ocheje, a long time A c c o r d i n g aficionado of the performance to Lexpert, fleece line, was described as the new elated, yet dignified. The f e a t u r e move caught the fashion will run industry by surprise, as once per Ocheje beat out high rollers year and J e s s i c a focus on S i m p s o n , Potential Bottom 40 Unf i n d i n g Charlie Brown, der 40 Candidate. lawyers who and Isaac from are young, stupid and the Love Boat incompetent. for the position. “We really wanted to highlight the worst the While the profession has to offer, and details of the we couldn’t think of a better ad campaign way to do it” Lexpert staff Give it to me baby! w e r e not said in a phone call. disclosed, it Give me fleece! was speculated While the criteria are yet that the first wave of undetermined a source close commercials would have a to Lexpert has said that, feudal theme. “like all the magazine’s rankings, this list will be “We’ve used Ocheje in our totally subjective and based fall 2004 catalogue, it was mostly on a d v e r t i s i n g brilliant, genius,” Old Navy revenue”. PR rep Janine Turner said. “The way he brought out the Speakers committee head Ian yellow in that top, it was Matthews went on record as like the sun itself was saying “if a Windsor grad plucked from the heavens.” makes it on the list, we’d love to have him as a guest, While Ocheje was unavailable it’s not every day you get for comment, his professional the opportunity learn how to colleagues did not hesitate flush your career down the to express their support and toilet from the best in the admiration for his success. business”. “I’m glad to see he’s doing what he loves, this is so
the oyez | fake news | 6
Construction Planned to Finish Sometime 2016 The construction in the boiler room that has been taking place since early summer has showed no signs of slowing down lately. The Oyez has learned that the official t i m e l i n e calls for Workers build the work to be school’s “green roof”. completed on or about March 5, 2016. The timeline also sets out firm target dates for the return of heat to the building. Full heat should be restored by April 2010 to the Moot Court. The rest of the school will follow in a phased in approach. According to sources in the G.O., the official School Policy of “heat in the summer, air conditioning in the winter” will be adhered to as “best as is possible” over the course of the construction. Administration had no formal comment, but did acknowledge that the construction was a project that would be passed on for generations.
Rock Bottom Complains A complaint was filed by Rock Bottom staff that Windsor law students have been behaving inappropriately while attending the infamous bar.
student whom everyone knows. The bar has issued a plea to faculty to inform the students of the disobedient behaviour and to demand action. This plea was summarily rejected per a motion during the last faculty council meeting.
add a new wing to the law school with the fresh bricks. The love of everything Socratic came the Wednesday morning after Halloween. At 8:30am, Prof. Riley was receiving b.s. answers from her still drunk students.
By 9am however, she was grilling students for the answers. “How was I supposed to know that she’d drill us like that for answers?!”, sore students were heard exclaiming leaving the Moot The next faculty council Court. meeting will be called upon to vote on the additions of “She kept on asking for seven new provisions to the student minutes even though she knew code of conduct which reads I didn’t know the answer!”, “anyone who brings us beer students typed furiously over shall be heralded unto like a MSN. god”. Not one student was allowed Flipping off your server will no longer be to get away with b.s. Prof. tolerated at Rock Bottom. Riley went up and down every row riding each ass until it Alleged infractions include Real Estate produced quality material. drunken vulgarity, drunken profanity, and the flagrant Students Create Students who missed the first misuse of chicken wings as day of brick sh*tting were airborne projectiles. The New School Wing the following Monday as Prof. staff alleges that the law Riley singled out each and students are consistently every student who had skipped rude and unappreciative of her post-Halloween class. Cook Jenkins’ food, when the Prof. Riley’s Real Estate poor guy tries his best, students were sh*tting so Apparently, used to the dammit. many bricks the week after Socratic Method, the row of that m o r e JD/LLB students were not as While this complaint came as H a l l o w e e n construction is slated for s h a k e n as their LLB a surprise to many law the Law School. This came in counterparts. students, others admitted to response to Prof. Riley’s have seen it coming. surprise Socratic enthusiasm Construction for the new wing of the Law School is slated “It’s really no big shock. I for The Planning Act. to begin around 2011 and mean, how many times can you finish in 2095.◊ short-change a waitress or miss the toilet before they get upset?” an anonymous Law I student said. A word from our sponsor: “I’ve been drinking there for years. It’s my right to vomit where I please,” Said one professor who wished to remain anonymous.
Others were u n d e r s t an d i n g of behaviour.
less their
“I may have said things about the waitresses mothers a couple of times, but I assure you it was probably in context.” said a Law II
The by-product of the Socratic Method in Real Estate Class. Ever-resourceful with crap, the law school has decided to
the oyez | fake news | 7
Dear Rachel, I have to speak with legal counsel before I can provide you with that information. All the best,
M. Gold.
Dear Larry, Thank-you for your concern. When I returned to the Admin offices famished, exhausted, and overwhelmed, Dean Elman not only gave me a big bear hug, but he also gave me a slice of pepperoni from the office’s stash. He also gave me a can of Diet Coke to wash the pizza, and all of the emotions, down. Best,
M. Gold
the oyez | dear mary gold | 8
Dear Dude, I have to speak with legal counsel before I can provide you with that information. All the best,
M. Gold.
Dear Britney,
via cell phone: Dear Mary, Got a few q’s about the air-tightenedness of my pre-nup agreement. Can we go over this? Tee hee, thanks! Britney
Since I have had no family law experience (excluding dealing with crying law I’s), please seek the counsel of Justice Phillips or any one of his Family Law students. Prenuptial agreements were discussed on September 29th. This will be on or around Page 378 of Sunny’s notes.
M. Gold. P.S
Saw you on Letterman Daaaaaaammmmmmn!
girl!
Dear Prof. Conklin, I am only authorized provide you with a raise.
to
Happy Holidays,
M. Gold. Got a problem? Think Associate Dean Gold can help? Email us at [email protected] and we’ll make up her answer!
the oyez | dear mary gold | 9
F
or some time, corporate law has been thought of as dry and boring and the domain of boring and dry people. Partnerships, the CBCA, the OBCA, Oppression Remedy, Shareholder Proposals? BORING! However, in an effort to attract the MuchMusic Generation, it appears that:
Ed. Notes: 1) This is the actual cover for the book. We couldn’t make this stuff up; and 2) Thanks to oyez alum Alex Procope for sending it in.
MISSING
Toilet Find Canada Profile Name:
3rd Sh*tter from the right.
Date of Birth:
ca. September 1, 1968
Missing Since:
September 1, 2006
Missing From:
Men’s Bathroom, University of Windsor Faculty of Law
Description:
Porcelain, White, 24” Tall, 24 lbs.
Cash reward for information leading to the recovery of this beloved toilet. the oyez | barbs and jabs | 11
L
aw I Mark Loya graciously gave us permission to reproduce some of his original cartoons! (making him the first person we have EVER asked for permission to reproduce anything). Enjoy:
Pop Quiz:
S
o you’ve written the LRW Mid-term, but can you pass the Oyez’s ultra-tough citation review? Tell us which of these citations is correct and write a 35 page memo outlining the finer points of law in the cases listed and we’ll give you a 0.015% bonus* in legal writing...
(a) LRW Student v. LRW Professor, (1994) 16 Teaching Citations Annually 123, Ont. C.A. rev’g 1 B.S. Reporter 32, (Ont. Div. Ct.).
(c) Tanovich v. Toronto Police Services, [2002] Judicial Notice Quarterly 234 (Ont. Moot Court).
(b) Bitter Law I v. B Curve, [2006] 2 S.C.R. 342, aff’g 2 Windsor Yearbook of A2J 58 (Ont. C.A.).
(d) Me v. Citations (2006), 4 I Should Have Gone to Teacher’s College Monthly 95 (Ont. Div. Ct.).
Answer: We haven’t got a freakin’ clue. Nor does any judge or lawyer on the planet. *Bonus will not count towards your final mark. Or any mark for that matter.
the oyez | diversions | 12
The Oyez Caption Contest Everyone knows how picture below and match. Email your
these things work. Check out the think of the funniest caption to best entry to [email protected]. We’ll print the funniest one next issue!
Sample Caption: “Surprisingly, The Hot ‘n’ Now booth at OCI’s was pretty popular.”
F
acebook-Mania has taken over Windsor Law like Hurricane Andrew. E-mail inboxes have been flooded with requests for friendships. Scandalous pictures uploaded and viewed. Pokes flying at all directions. There’s a new kid in town, commanding everyone’s attention and it looks like he’ll be around for a while. Some people still don’t know what I am talking about. They obviously: a) Are unfamiliar with the Internet, Interweb, etc; b) Are among the dying breed of students refusing to bring their computers to class; or c) Have been living under a rock, on exchange in Tuninsia or have taken a vow to cease all communications with other Windsor Law students for the past 3 months.
For those who are unfamiliar with Facebook.com, those vaguely familiar but still Facebook-virgins, and the Facebook-whores who actually on the page right now, we present to you: “Facebook For Dummies: The Guide to a Stalker’s Paradise”, complete with samples from the Associate Dean’s profile.
Step 1: get your foot in the door HOW DO I JOIN? If you have e-mail, you can join. Back in the old days, one required a valid school e-mail address to join. But just like someone who has spent over 6 months in the Windsor bar scene, it lowered it’s standards and pretty much admits anyone. This has certainly upped its creepiness-level to R. Kelly status, but users should take solace in the fact that it is still not at the “Michael Jackson” level of creepiness that MySpace.com has reached.
WHAT IS THE FACEBOOK? The Facebook, found at http:// www.facebook.com is a “networking site” for “people” of various “networks” to “network” with “each other.” Networking is obviously code for “stalk” and “people” includes pretty much everyone from your best friend, to the girl you liked in High School, and of course, to that kid in your class who you say hi to, and had a heart-toheart with at Rock Bottom last weekend, but for the life of you, you can’t remember his name.
Step 2: what kind of picture should i post? A picture is worth 1000 words and on Facebook, this is no exception. No matter what you put up (or don’t put up) you are making a statement to the Facebook community. So be sure to think it out carefully. Here’s the message conveyed by some picture options: No Picture: “I am too cool for Facebook and only joined out of boredom during Tax, when that girl in the front row literally brought her tax returns for the professor to fill out.” *Eventually, the No Picture people degenerate into one of the categories described below. The Action Shot: “Yes, I am now an out-of-shape, krispy-kreme eating, stressed out workaholic, but I swear, at one time I was a chiseled, protein-shake drinking, whole-wheat pasta eating, physical specimen with “The Beach is That Way” arms and a 30-inch vertical jump.” The “Drunk” Shot: “I like to party hardcore once a year and orchestrate a shot of me doing something badass like funneling beer or doing a kegstand so that people think I’m a rager instead of the gunner that I really am” Which shot is this?
The “Glam” Shot: “I spent 5 hours in a salon getting my hair and make-up done, so dammit you WILL admire how good I look, and even if I will never look this good again, someone’s got to remember.”
The “Show-off” Shot: “I want the world to know how interesting, daring, spontaneous and fun I am. So I am posting this 5-year-old picture of me with that [now washed-up] celebrity* who was the closest thing to stardom I will ever get to.”
the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide | 14
Step 3: too much information can hurt you This section is used as a screening tool by viewers to see if you’re psychotic. Therefore, the less info you put the better. Otherwise people will know how much of a nerd you really are. As for any information you do put in...LIE. If your favorite TV show is Teletubbies, put Grey’s Anatomy. If your favorite movie is Gigli, put Godfather. No one actually cares what you are really interested in anyways.
Step 4: get friendly Having a lot of friends can mean you’re popular. Or that you’re a loser who spends all day asking people to be your facebook friend rather than actually hanging out with them in person. So its a lose-lose situation.
Step 5: poking Deciphering the meaning of a poke is as hopeless as trying to understand what body hair has to do with Property law. So why should we try? Just poke it!
Some people are hesitant to ask others to be their friend. These people are insecure.
Step 6: the mini feed - a window to your soul The mini feed allows others to be kept up to date on nearly every waking moment of your life, providing such information as when you post on someone’s wall, when you break up with your boyfriend, and when you don’t flush the toilet in the Law Building (we know who you are).
Step 8: educated? employed?
Education and Employment info is a way for you to brag about where you went to school, and how good your job is. The description field is your chance to lie and make yourself sound important. (Tip: Make sure you follow the trend of calling Windsor Law your “Grad School”, even though you’re getting an undergrad degree.)
Step 9: be a groupie Belonging to lots of Groups shows people that you are more popular than them. It’s like taking friendships to the next level. Anyone can randomly get everyone from their ex in high school to their favourite undergrad prof as a friend, but it takes a whole new level of popularity to be a groupie.
Continued on next page... the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide| 15
Step 10: another brick in the wall Wall Comment quality is integral to a good Facebook profile. The better the comments on your wall, the cooler you will appear to the “reasonable” facebook user. Wall topics that are a sure-fire hit: • How drunk you got on Saturday night [include references to the amount of alcohol consumed, dance floor make outs, any street signs stolen, and how you woke up on the sidewalk outside of Cheetah’s with your pants around your ankles, spooning the guy who wears that hat with feathers in it] • Anything uttered by Ari Gold, Napoleon Dynamite, Ron Burgundy or Frank the Tank • A random quote/saying that appears to be a hilarious inside joke [“My pants smell like water!!!!!!!”] Comments to AVOID at all costs: • Personal conversations not meant for the wall – [“Hey John, I heard about the genital warts, bad deal dude!”] • Useless, open ended questions [“Hey what’s up”] • Anything that indicates to people just how much of a loser you actually are. [“Dude, Star Trek Convention was OFF THE HOOK!”]
Bonus Step: everything else! As if that wasn’t enough don’t forget to add photos, join other networks, write notes, and keep up your status. Using all the tools facebook has to offer makes sure that everyone knows just how cool you are. Plus it’s a great procrastination tool when you’re trying to do something frivolous like write a memo or study for exams.
E
ssentially, your facebook profile is the ideal version of yourself. On facebook, you can be cool, witty, funny, adventurous, slutty, smart and interesting – in other words – you can be anyone BUT yourself. Take advantage and use it to your fullest. Manipulate people into thinking you’re someone that you’re not. And don’t worry about them discovering the truth. After all, they’re doing the same thing.◊
the oyez | the ultimate facebook guide | 16
the oyez | Why It’s Good to be an LLB | 17
By Shaun A. Miller
Survivor Part Deux! First Man Down! The stage had been set the last time, and it was time for round one to begin. During the first round the action was subdued, but the mood was tense. All the participants knew it was only a matter of time before someone was voted off the SLS. The shaky alliance created along racial lines had Faran Umar-Khitab worried that he would be the first to go and have to survive the taunts for the rest of the year. From the outset of Survivor SLS, it was apparent that Faran would have to bring his A-game if he were to outlast any of his Caucasian counterparts in this new, highly criticized format. However, in unprecedented Survivor action, Faran shocked the Windsor Law Community with an immunity win earlier this afternoon. Heading into this afternoon‘s immunity challenge, the tight knit group of Graham MacLoed, Warren Ross, and Matt Napier e n v i s i o n e d t h e m s e l v e s reciting their f a v o u r i t e passages from the “Colour of Justice” once Graham and Faran before SLS their game plan Survivor tore their friendship was successful. apart. Unfortunately, the legal version of kumbaya was not too be.
the oyez | SLS Survivor | 18
The challenge was a True or False quiz based on various legal principles. Once a question was answer incorrectly, the participant was eliminated from the challenge until only one participant remained. The four SLS executives flourished in the Graham and Warren, first five rounds, during better times. showing their extraordinary intellect in all areas of law from easements to citations. The shocking turn of events occurred in the sixth and final round. A hush fell over the pit when Graham, Matt and Warren all answered ‘True’ to “The oppression remedy is only applies to federally incorporated companies.” Faran was the only executive to recognize its usefulness u n d e r provincial legislation as well. When asked to comment on his incorrect c h o i c e , You guessed it… Graham and Napier Macleod was - clearly Graham had his bases quoted as say, covered before getting into this. “I took Business Associations with Weir, the oppression remedy was in the second chapter and we didn’t get that far.”
The vulnerability of the remaining three was too much for alliance to handle, and Warren Ross immediately found himself on the periphery of his once strong alliance. In a last ditch effort, Warren approached Faran and proposed a plan to split to vote and vote for Napier. Although plausible, this was ultimately too little too late as Faran had sided with Macleod for what they called, “the Greater Good.” When asked to comment on the vote, the remaining three contestants had the following to say: Graham Macleod – “I have been worried about Warren’s health for the last few days. He weighed 220 lbs when we got here … he could be Skeletor’s stunt double now. I voted him off because I care.” Faran Umar-Khitab – “That’s the most votes Warren’s had since he came to Windsor.” Matt Napier – “Did you hear about the new children’s book I am writing? It’s called A is for Adios, B is for Better luck next time.”◊
Who will be the next to go? Tune in next Oyez to find out!
R
ecently Borat, star of the self-titled new movie and the interview everyone wants, decided to tour Windsor Law to see if he could understand all things Windsor. Mik and Mike decided to follow him, knowing full well that hilarity would ensue. It started in the Dean’s Office...
Borat - Jagshemash. Hello, My name Borat Sagdiyev. I educate in goat milking, making three plague, one kill four million goat, and a photograph for women a make toilet. In Kazakhstan, for sixty year we fight to get skool for law. Here at the University of Windsor, they have one of top 14 law schools in all of Canadia. Wowaweewa! I come to Windsor, to meet top officials and find I too can be a lawyer. Chenk yeu.
people have to bet on which number will manage to get to make other side of mine field before explosion.
Dean Elman – It is a pleasure to welcome such a distinguished Kazakhstani to our fine institution
(Following this Anne Dawson, immediately dragged Borat out of the Administration wing, where he was met by the S.L.S. president Graham MacLeod.)
Borat (After giving two cheek kisses, Dean Elman backs away from mouth to mouth) – Meh I speek to yer Dean pleeze? Dean Elman – I am the Dean
Dean Elman – ANNE, get him out of my office! Borat – Dean Elman, if you don’t like this game, we also have the running of the Jew…I like you, you like me?!! Very niice.
Borat – Graham, very niiice meet you. How come Windsor allow a female presidents. That never be allowed in Kazakhstan.
Graham – Excuse me, I am a Borat – Ahhh, In my country, man Deans get execution once or twice a year for accepting bribes Borat – Woweewewa! HAHAand sleeping with my sister, HAHHA! I don’t believe you. number 4 prostitute in all of You could be a top female prosKazakhstan. We very proud. titute in my village. May I How are you still here after six Borat is welcomed at the Windsor Airport. touch your hram? years? Graham – No, I’m good. Dean Elman – Well its been a lot of hard work, dedication, a dire commitment to Access to Justice and at least four Diet Cokes Borat – U like touch mine? a day. (After 5 minutes of reciprocal hram touching the interview conBorat – What is this acccess to justice that you speak of? In my tinues…) country, we only have much access to three things: potassium, Borat – So Mrs. McLeod, how was it how got potatoes, and little boys to Michael Jackson’s Ranch. elected? Dean Elman – Ha ha, actually even though 90% of our stu- Graham – Well I ran a diligent campaign and dents don’t know what Access fought hard to get where I am today. to Justice is, the course Borat – You would fit right in my country. At teaches students to break my country we make sure the President counts down barriers for minorities the votes to ensure victory and then we anwithin the legal realm. nounce winner before counting votes. PresiBorat – This is very interest- dent is strong man, he a crush his opponents ing. At home we have access and a powerful like Stalin and notta tolerate to minorities by playing people who underachieve. This a like a you?! Borat opted for more of a “traditional” transport than Gypsy Bingo. This is game Graham – Indeed, maybe I will come visit Before leaving, Checker Cabs. where we put numbers on Borat went sunsomeday. backs of 20 gypsies. Then bathing near Lake St. Clair.
the oyez | borat tours windsor law | 20
Borat – You are inspiring me. The next political election in Kazahkstan is 2042, and I prepare every day to win that election.
Leeora – I find it very degrading that you feel so poorly about women. Borat – Where I am from we say God, man, horse, dog, woman, rat, then small crocilli….
Graham – Yes it is a very Leeora – That’s totally wrong! Women should be equal to men. Here we are allowed to vote and hold positions that have high rewarding position. responsibilities. Borat – Yes, I too like a POWER (clenches fists). I Borat – I liiike you, how much? must got make toilet. Leeora: How much for what? Unfortunately his carriage broke down on the E.C. Row.
(Graham tried to kiss Borat Borat – You know, sexy time. I make a romantic explosion. goodbye and reached around and tries to touch (Leeora runs back to the group in a rage) Borat’s hram) Borat – She must a make sexy time only with women. Hiigh *** Fiive! ***
(After going to the bathroom, Borat came out to see a large group of women grouped together in the lower pit)
(Borat, being a busy man these days, had to leave, but first he discussed the day’s events with the Oyez)
Borat – Woweewewa, I am scared, what is with all of these women in the law school?
OYEZ – So Borat, we understand that you had a good visit to Windsor Law?
(After explaining that they were having a meeting and selling clothes for the Women in the Law Society, Leeora Avrahami accepted to do an interview.)
Borat – Yes, was very niiice. Ur peoples very niiice. U very brave for allowings Jew and woman to walk around school. In my country, this cannot happen.
Borat – What is this legal feminism?
Leeora – It is the theory that women Borat took a liking Windsor’s very OYEZ – Who did you meet during should be equal to men in the legal en- own Leeora Avrahami. Woweewewa! your visit? vironment. Borat – Very niiice peoples. I meet Madam President MacLeod (Borat laughs hysterically) but she a try a take me in office and make bang bang in anoos. I also meet Women in Law Society Leeora – I try take pictures of Leeora – You are laughing? That is the problem. her making toilet. She a no like and try to cut off my hram. Very niice was a ur how you call Dean?! We a drink a Diet Coke and Borat – Do you think that women should be educate? then he take my money. I must now call my government and tell what happened! Leeora – Of course! OYEZ – Well Borat, we hope you enjoyed your visit and that we could contribute to your cultural learnings Leeora – That is bull sh*t! here at Windsor. Thank you for coming Borat – But Government scientist, Dr. Yamaka prove that and speaking with us. womans brain is small like the size of baby squirrel! Borat – Thank you very much peoples Leeora – That is so wrong, over 60% of the students here are Canadia. Very niiice be here and meet your and very honor for me and my friend female and in fact Canada’s Chief Justice is female as well. to be here and be welcome by you. Hope Borat – There is no woman in Kazakh judiciary. We say: to give later you can come to my hotel room we a woman a gavel is like to give a monkey a gun. Very danger- can wrestle naked, drink goat urine and ous. We have stopped doing ever since 2003 Taschik Zoo mas- shoot dogs from window! I like you. I like sexy time! sacre. Borat – Is it not problem that women have a smaller brain?
Leeora – Great. Borat – Come on pussycat, give me a smile!
Chenquieh.◊
Borat gave Windsor Law 2 thumbs up as he was leaving.
the oyez | borat tours windsor law | 21
Paloma Ellard, co-editor of the Oyez is on exchange Amsterdam. We had her write an article about life while on exchange to make you jealous...
P
art of the purpose of studying abroad is to gain a new perspective, an alternative legal education, if you will. So I began studying at the University of Amsterdam, taking courses such as “the Law of Self-Determination and the Formation of States” or “International Humanitarian L a w . ” Clearly, these are of the “alternative” sort. Not the usual run-oft h e - m i l l c o u r s e s offered at Windsor, not the most practical of classes nor do they bear the most useful of knowledge (but then again, what does in law school?). No, these are the courses that would be taught in a faculty of law where Conklin is Dean, courses intended to challenge our mind, with the philosophical twist that would satisfy our token “perspectives” r e q u i r e m e n t . Despite their obvious value, I wanted more out of my semester abroad — I wanted something even more distinct and challenging and I set out to find it in the most unlikely of places: Morocco.
the oyez | life of an exchange student | 22
What does this land of snake charmers, story tellers and hash have to do with law you might ask? My trustworthy travel companion Sharon Bauer and I set out to answer that very question. Simply by thinking outside the box, we realized and that 10 days in Morocco will provide you with infinite l e g a l experience and the wisdom to match. First stop: London Luton Airport. What better way to contemplate the importance of international law than in an international airport? Our connecting flight to Marrakesh wasn’t for another 7 hours so we assumed we had plenty of time to learn. Unfortunately, we were unable to investigate this topic as heavily as we would have liked, because curiously everything shut down at 11p.m. So instead we spent the night on the napping on the floor in front of the Easy Jet sign. We were not dissuaded, we knew that there was much to be discovered in Morocco. Neither Sharon, nor I had ever taken an alternative dispute resolution course or practical while in law school, but we were given a crash courses in Marrakesh. The market or “souqs” as they are known are fodder for young lawyers eager to refine their negotiation skills. Bartering
in this country is an art and a necessity of life. Sharon is stubborn and surprisingly good at getting her price. She will be a shark to look out for in the future (you have been warned). I, on the other hand, realized my potential as a mediator, having to mediate and reassure more than one angry Moroccan who thought they’d been had by a Canadian. What better practical experience is this for a budding lawyer I ask you? None. Our entire trip was a v e r i t a b l e lesson in commercial transactions, not to be replaced by any text book or cannotes. Thanks to my keen skills of persuasions, most Moroccan souq owners did not hold Sharon’s low prices against us and in fact many invited us to share in some “Berber whiskey” with them, otherwise known as mint tea. This informal and social activity also proved to be a gold mine for our legal education as we were able to learn many things about Moroccan customs and laws — in satisfaction of our perspectives requirement. Topics of conversations ranged from women’s rights to polygamy, apparently many of the Moroccan men we met are fans of the television program “Big Love.” While we were certainly exposed to our share of private law issues, it cannot be forgotten that important lessons in public law were also
learned. For example, while on an “expedition” through the High Atlas Mountains, our Range Rover had to be examined by more than one police officer to ensure that the Driver/ Guide had all his “papers” in order and if he didn’t, there was a fine … or at least I think that’s why the driver was giving him money? This is an invaluable lesson for all law students as regulations, whether they govern court filings or prospectus requirements, are an essential aspect of the legal profession and not to be overlooked. How would I have known this if I had not witnessed the consequences first hand of our driver’s failed due diligence in ensuring his papers were in order? I would not have known and I surely would have learned the hard way at some point in my career. So when we spent the night under the stars in the Sahara desert, I pondered the importance of all these things, as many an invaluable lesson was learned while in Morocco and many a carpet was bought. Some might say “Paloma, this is just a pathetic attempt to justify you gallivanting around North Africa when you should be in Amsterdam studying.” Some might be right. Even so, I’ll be back in Windsor in a few short weeks with a new perspective on life, a sparkle in my eye, a spring in my step and a campaign to have Conklin become the next Dean.◊
the oyez | life of an exchange student | 23
A
ll law schools have their traditions. Every summer before second year, Windsor Law 2’s battle with the age old question: “Do I take Civ Pro with Hewitt or McNevin?” The Oyez decided to put these esteemed lecturers up against one another to see if it really makes a difference who you take it with. It’s time for...
McNevin
Hewitt
v.
The Ultimate Showdown Time and Place 7-9 PM, Mon/Wed Moot Court
David McNevin - class of ‘95 and a Civ Pro Professor.
7-9 PM, Mon/Wed Moot Court Wing
Edge: McNevin. Location, Location, Location. (More plugs and it’s easier to sneak out early.)
Jeff Hewitt - class of ‘94 and a Civ Pro Professor.
Student Incentives Plow through the materials at light speed and go home early.
Cash money.
Edge: Hewitt. Time IS money. What rule number is that McNevin? Huh? … Yeah that’s right. I didn’t think you knew.
After Class Activities: Rock Bottom for Wings and Beer.
Rock Bottom for Wings and Beer.
Edge: Rock Bottom. Mmmmm… Beer.
Mid-Term Evaluation Statement of Claim
Mid-Term Exam
Edge: Tie. Who really cares? They’re both right around OCI time, they’re both a giant pain in the a$$, and they’re both about Civ Pro.
Final Exam See “Hewitt”
See “McNevin”
Edge: Tie. Same Time. Same Place. Same Exam.
Winner: It’s
settled - time to change the name in the course selection guide to “McHewitt” because these to guys have tied 1 – 1. What does this mean? It doesn’t matter who’s teaching it, it’s still gonna be Civ Pro! (read: boring)
the oyez | head to head | 24
J-Lo says: S’up Rook, u get the memo - i hear ur having trouble with your TPS reports Rook says: lol... yeah, no more trouble than ur havin’ with the msn name... J-Lo??? wtf? J-Lo says: lol - rookie - Justice LOuise ... so who do u think was on the nude-cruise? Rook says: lemme check the 8-ball... all signs point to Michel - cruise had nude blackjack and you know that kid luvs to double-down... J-Lo says: lol, true dat - I can see him chirpin’ the dealer with “who wants a Bastarache ride?” Rook says: LOL, you’re killin’ me - B-Mac really closed ranks though, eh? J-Lo says: Troof - “our secret is safe”.. Speakin’ of which, have you had your initiation yet? Rook says: Binnie bagged me in the library, does that count? J-Lo says: Not unless he used one of the DLR’s Rook says: Fu#$. J-Lo says: Hit the stacks, chief - its go time.
by dave smith
E
ven before getting into law school, most of you probably heard how it works: “first year they scare you to death, second year they work you to death, and third year they bore you to death”. While that statement might be challenged by bleary-eyed law I’s finishing citations on a minor memo, there is one thing that seems to be beyond question: the law III’s are bored. Between nights out drinking, skipping classes and essays started late, it appears that more than ever, the law III’s are mailing it in. The Oyez wanted to find out where from, so we put Dave up to a little research to figure it out ...
Mom & Dad’s house in the GTA Why pay rent and buy groceries in Windsor when you’re not going to attend too many classes anyways? Join the Reverse 401 Club. Advantages: Free laundry and a magical fridge that stays full as well as living in the warm caring bosom of your family. Spend time with your old non-law friends.
Free food. Free rent. Free laundry. Just don’t bring home that random hookup
Disadvantages: Parents actually make for poor roommates. Mom’s reaction to your exam beard, and your post exam drinking rage are not exactly positive. Your non-law friends no longer get your jokes. Projected Grade: B– ... Damn participation marks!
Pretty Much Every Bar in Windsor All I ever really needed to know in law school I learned at the Bridge Tavern. Advantages: Booze makes Windsor livable. Finally settle the age-old arguments like whether Mighty Mouse could kick Superman’s arse. Disadvantages: Mid-day drunkenness is frowned upon by most law firms. And, it’s a hard habit to break. Projected Grade: A+ ... Where do you think the profs hang out? And if you pick your schedule the exams will be better when written drunk.
Contrary to what many law III’s might think, this is NOT the moot court.
A Nice Vacation Down South All-inclusive tropical getaway. Una cerveza por favor! Advantages: Temporarily get the eff out of Dodge. Lie back, work on your tan and drink your face off. Disadvantages: You gotta come back to Windsor. It’s probably colder than when you left. Richard Hatch or Gavin MacDonald mailing it in from the beach?
Projected Grade: B Booze, beach and bikinis.
the oyez | law III’s mailing it in | 26 |
Jail After getting arrested on Ouellette after a night on the drink, Windsor’s finest are only too happy to give you a nice place to stay. [Really though, you should have listened to those first two years of warnings.] Advantages: Free room and board, three squares a day and the highest in orange jump suit fashion. Plenty of time to do homework. Disadvantages: Bubba also makes for a poor roommate. Soap-on-arope is actually contraband. [Careful, it’s slippery]. Criminal record = non-traditional law career. Your new roommate. He like long walks in the yard, working out and the colour orange.
Projected Grade: A ... Studying – well any activity where you’re sitting down – is a pretty good defence mechanism. You’ll be doing a lot of it to protect yourself.
Exchange Get the eff out of Dodge for an entire term and take bird courses. Advantages: Getting the eff out of Dodge for an entire term and taking bird courses. Travel to exotic locales. Smoke lots and lots of weed. [Okay, we do that in Windsor too, but I mean LOTS and this weed is wayyyyyy better.] Travel to more exotic locales. Enough of this category, I’m getting depressed. Disadvantages: You miss the Carbolic Smoke Ball. [Yeah, I tried. I can’t really find a downside.] Projected Grade: Pass ... See: Bird Courses, supra.
Exchanges... like school here but add travel, add exotic locales and subtract grades.
Bay Street Condo If you’re gonna roll with Big Shots, you gotta live with the Big Shots. For bonus marks, you might as well move in early and pretend like you go to U of T. Advantages: Your new pad beats the hell out of your dump in Windsor. Which is good because you have no money to go out.
For $2500 a month you get a great view... of your naked, 75 year old neighbour.
Disadvantages: Nobody cares about your articling job. You still need your parents to co-sign. Projected Grade: C is for scenic view of the 80+ storey building right outside your window.
Road Trips to the U.S. After 2½ years of living within driving distance of major U.S. cities, it’s probably a good time to finally head north of the border [yeah, that’s still weird] to visit them. Advantages: You're always guaranteed to come back with stories. Cheap gas + Cheap Booze = Cheaper Random Hookups. Plus the "different area code" rule ALWAYS applies. Disadvantages: More trips across the border = more chances of strip search, giving whole new meaning to “taking the tunnel”. Projected Grade: C+ [B if the exchange rate is good].
Road trips to the U.S. are a great way to escape the fast food, Walmarts and drunk American teenagers you find in Windsor for ... ummm... nevermind.
the oyez | law III’s mailing it in | 27
unconventional
advice
by graham macleod
D
o you have a problem? Traditional answers (like dear abbey, or our very own dear mary) not working for you? Well, we’re taught in law school to be creative and think outside the box for solutions to problems. (Or at the very least we’re self taught to think about them over a beer.) In that spirit, we sent Graham out to see if find some new answers to common law student problems. He came across a Navy Seal who was more than willing to help with his own brand of … errrr… advice.
Dear Confused, Dear Navy Seal, I am a first year law student who is in love. I met a very cute boy during Social Orientation and we hit it off immediately. Over the last couple of months we have spent a lot of time together - we study together, talk for hours on the phone, and he even watches Grey’s Anatomy and The Bachelor with me. Things are going so well and I think this boy is the one for me. The only problem is that I haven’t met his friends and he never invites me out to meet them. Am I paranoid in thinking that he’s secretly ashamed of me? -- Confused
in Canterbury
A close-quarter assassination is one of the most difficult to execute. It requires rapid deployment, stealth, and a secure extraction point. I would recommend an amphibious assault from the North, utilizing a high- tide and no moon. When you are within range of the target, I suggest utilizing a Glock 22 semi- a u t o m a t i c pistol. The Glock’s matte finish and adjustable sights make it an ideal weapon for night operations. Although a 7.51" silencer will reduce muzzle velocity, it will also minimize flash and sound. If a more intimate kill is your cup of tea, I would use Blackhawk’s Scorpion Neck Knife. It offers concealability with instant access and the sharpened and serrated top edge allows leveraged back-cuts to greatly enhance the performance envelope of this compact package. Yours, NAVY SEAL P.S.. To your bf - The Bachelor? You’re a disgrace. Drop and give me 20.
Dear 401 Club, Dear Navy Seal, I have been with my girlfriend for 3 years. We met during our undergraduate degree and have lived together ever since. Unfortunately, my girlfriend was unable to find a job in Windsor and had to stay in London when I came to law school. This is the first time we have been apart from each other and my girlfriend recently told me that she has a new friend called “James”. I’ve never been the jealous type, but I’m a little bit concerned about this “new friend”. How do I handle this?
– 401 Club Wannabe
the oyez | unconventional advice | 28
If all’s fair in love and war, and war is an art, you should always be prepared to p a i n t a masterpiece. In this case, the medium I recommend is the M24 Socom Sniper Rifle with fluted barrel. The M24 Sniper’s Weapon System (SWS) represents a return to bolt action sniper rifles. The stock is made of a composite Kevlar, graphite and fibreglass bound together with epoxy resins, and features an aluminium bedding block and adjustable butt plate. Ideal if your position is compromised and you must engage in hand-to-hand combat. I would also suggest the 10x42 Leupold Ultra M3A telescope sight a must-have for desert and urban war theatres. Army Rangers may call in surgical air-strikes to eliminate remote threats, but I always relish a slow infiltration and seeing an exit-wound the size of a cantaloupe. Ever Truly, NAVY SEAL
Dear Worried,
Dear Navy Seal, My boyfriend and I live together and have reached an impasse about - of all things - mothballs. We were unpacking our winter clothes, and tiny moths showed up in the bottom of the box. "Ethan" (my boyfriend) went to the store and brought back mothballs for the bedroom closet, which we share. I told him they smelled horrid, but understood he was trying to protect our clothing. The moths are long gone, but the mothballs remain. Every time Ethan opens our closet, the smell makes me sick to my stomach. There are times when he forgets and leaves our closet door open; our bedroom reeks of mothballs and I wind up feeling dizzy. I am worried that the mothballs may have long-term health implications but I’m not sure how to confront Ethan with my concerns - can you please help? - Worried
in Windsor
The M40 Full Facepiece respirator is the quintessential gas mask. A butyl coated nylon hood covers the head and neck and is easily donned to add additional protection against chemical agents. Perfect for first responders and utilization of smoke grenades. In addition, I suggest entrenching a directional fragmentation mine at the entrance to your closet. The M18A1 (Claymore) command detonated mine is ideally suited to your purpose and may be employed at the forward edge of the closet as close-in protection against a dismounted infantry attack. The Claymore projects a fanshaped pattern of steel balls in a 60-degree horizontal arc, at a maximum height of 2 metres, and covers a casualty radius of 100 metres. The optimum effective range (the range at which the most desirable balance is achieved between lethality and area coverage) is 50 metres. Simple to set up (point “Front Toward Enemy” away from you), you can remote detonate the claymore using a firing device while you surf QuickLaw. Fire and forget. I assure you that Ethan will forget all about the mothballs when 700 steel spheres are hurtling towards him at 1500 metres per second. Kind Regards, NAVY SEAL
D
Those were the days… By Sean K
id you know that some overly ambitious law I’s have started a blog about life at Windsor Law? It’s witty, funny and occasionally harsh, but you should make sure to check it out (address on the left). Here’s a sample we stole from their website!
This is something that’s been bothering me for some time now. That’s the decline of quality children’s programming. We’re all old enough to remember such quality children’s programming like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Transformers, Inspector Gadget, He-Man, etc. Some of the younger folk would remember the X-Men cartoon and the Spiderman cartoon that aired on Fox. These were some quality shows that we all hold near and dear to our hearts. The new Transformers suck as does the new Ninja Turtles. These days, the cartoon shows sucks. I can actually pinpoint when the children’s shows started to suck – when the Power Rangers came into effect. All of a sudden, Pokemon started to come out, then Digimon, then Yu-Gi-Oh. Now I don’t even know what consists of quality Saturday morning entertainment. With the risk of sounding like an old man, allow me to recount some of my favorite moments when I was a young child, watching the TV on a Saturday morning, or during the afternoon lunch hour. I’m going to make this in a top 10 list.
7.
10.
He-Man. I think we all know that he’s the most powerful man in the universe, and on top of that, he has his arch nemesis in Skeletor. The fact that his nemesis is a talking skeleton defies mystery, but the fact is, we love He-Man if only because it shows how manly this guy is. We all watched and cried when he got married, but it defined what men should be – burly dudes wearing loin cloths. On top of that, he had some of the coolest theme music ever.
X-Men. This was a newer phase in the cartoons that I still watched to this day. I’m not sh*tting you, I actually ended up downloading all 79 episodes just so I could watch them again. The storylines were actually amazing and come on, it’s the X-Men. For many, this was people’s first exposure to the X-Men. It was for me, and I was hooked. I loved the various stories and I would rush home just to watch the next episode. Side note: Why is it that every single gun that fires shoots lasers? When the hell did this happen?!
9.
6.
Care Bears. Now before you start to giggle, realize what I’m saying. This was the ultimate show in teaching us how to be real people. It taught us to care using…well…Care Bears, and for some reason a lion which was never explained. The Teletubbies ain’t got sh*t on the Care Bears. That’s all I have to say. On top of that, the evil villain was the ultimate in evil. The fact that he could see what the Care Bears were doing by simply staring in a cauldron is huge. And his henchmen was the biggest oaf which tells us that crime doesn’t pay and you’ll look hideous. Do the Care Bears count down…
8.
Captain Planet. We all know of Captain Planet and its highly stylized version of him not telling us to litter. This was actually a good show and when I was surfing IMDB one time, I was astounded as to how many celebrities did guest voices. I was confused as to why the hell Captain Planet was green, but it doesn’t matter. He told me not to litter and who are you to disrespect Captain Planet. For the longest time I was afraid Planet would kick my a$$ something furious if I littered. He scared me straight.
the oyez | the blawg for beginners | 30
Smoggies. This is related to Captain Planet, but it was Canadian. That’s all I need to say. I was astounded by how utterly lame that show was when I was a kid. Though I must say, there’s something horrendously evil about a boat dumping their garbage in the sea and just constantly spewing out pollution. The heroes were just a humanized version of the Smurfs. Seriously, they were tiny and annoying as f*#k. I will concede however, that one of the characters have the coolest shades ever. See right.
5.
Here’s where it gets difficult to separate the cartoons but I would put Inspector Gadget up here. OK, let me get this clear. When I was a kid, I thought Penny was attractive. She was cute, and highly intelligent. The fact that she carried around a laptop that would rival the entire CIA’s database is hot. I love a woman in power. Word on the street says that there’s a 1L student who thought terrible thoughts about her when he was 12. But it was more than that. Perhaps it’s because Inspector Gadget and his evil rival, Dr. Claw had the BEST
car’s ever. Or perhaps it’s that nasally voice of Gadget that was somehow hypnotic. Perhaps it’s the fact that every week we were befuddled as to whether or not Gadget was in fact a man or machine. He had a spring for a neck, and pipes for arms (real legitimate pipes). An umbrella would pop out of his head, and in the odd humorous moments, a giant wooden mallet. Don’t even get me started on his crotch – ladies, imagine the length on that. Dr. Claw was the coolest villain ever if only because we never saw him and every episode ended with his catch phrase “I’ll get you next time Gadget…..next TIIIIIMEEE!!!! *cat screech!”
4.
badass voice that would rival any sort of hair metal singer, just turned into a giant fucking gun. That’s it. Straight up badassery. Granted, another Decepticon had to use the gun in order to destroy people, but still, far cooler than a car. The Autobots sucked if only because they had a lame logo (compared to the Decepticons) and because of Bumblebee. What a useless transformer. A Volkswagon Beetle? I could kick you and you would die. Finally, the writing was brilliant. This was the first cartoon show that I could recall that used a swear. The movie used the word “sh*t” and I was hooked. Case in point, I still remember a line that Optimus Prime gave to Megatron when they were fighting – “I thought you were made of sterner stuff.” Get it, they were made of metal….and….fuck you. The theme song was also a top contender.
Ducktales. This show probably had the best theme song of all time. To this day I still remember all the words to this song. The characters were memorable – Scrooge McDuck, his arch rival Macduff, Launchpad as that idiot pilot, even a cameo This is it, number one folks. The one you’ve been by Donald Duck. The only thing that I waiting for, and you know what, it’s so highly regarded couldn’t stand were f#*king Hewey, I won’t even list the name of the show, I’ll show you a picture. Dewey and Louie. F*#king b@stards sound alike. But every week I dreamed that I was on Not all of you remember this those wild adventures that they had. And on top of that, I’m sure show, but for those who do, I’m not the only one who dreamed of diving into a giant vault you’ll know why it’s number filled with gold coins and swimming in them. I’m sure in real life one. First of all, the f*#king it would hurt like a bitch, but this is the show that filled us all name just reeks of someone with capitalistic greed so that we will have one goal in life – to who’s on a bad acid trip. I mean buy a giant money vault filled with coins so we can swim in them. look at the background. The entire premise is simple, you Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This was a know what it’s about because it’s toss up because it was so hard to decide between this in the title, it’s Robin Hood and and the next one on the list. Aside from Ducktales, this had the best theme song ever. I remember being a kid during recess and his crew on rockets. Never mind the fact that they’re flying getting a group of friends to pretend to be Ninja Turtles. Poor around in space without helmets, or that Sherwood Forest Danny was forced to be Shredder as me and my three buddies somehow became Sherwood Asteroid, it’s such a ridiculous beat the sh*t out of him. What can I say, he was Shredder. The concept. Just absolutely terrible. I watched it for how bad it was. The theme song was just a barbershop quartet singing “Rocket thing about this show that made this so Robin Hood” over and over again with the shittiest background memorable in my eyes was the fact that this music ever. On top of that, the first 10 minutes was spent giving show had such an impact on me. Perhaps it’s us background on the characters. By the fifth episode it pissed the fact that there were four turtles each with me off. We get it, Little John is in fact NOT little. And what put their own personality, or the fact that they this show over the top was the atrocious production values. The were teenagers, or the fact that they were background never moved and neither did the characters. When teenagers – I was hooked. We all had our someone speaks, only the lips moved. If a punch was thrown, it favorite turtle. My favorite was Raphael if only because he was such a sarcastic badass. Leonardo was a close wasn’t smooth. It was quite jarring as all of a sudden the arms second because of the fact he had giant Kitana blades. It was a would be on the side of the body and next frame, the fist was in dark day for various teachers though because when kids heard the face. It’s like trying to animate a comic book. Finally, let’s not these famous artists, they immediately thought of the turtles, and forget that the animators were so lazy that they missed massive gaps in continuity. I’m not talking about continuity in the fact that not the artists. Robin Hood could travel between galaxies in mere seconds with a Transformers. This comes second because it rocket and without a helmet, I mean the continuity in that for half preceded Ninja Turtles. This was the first show that an episode, the main characters would be missing an eye. And was clearly designed to sell toys. I’m convinced they came out things just go on as if nothing would happen. Other times Friar with more and more Transformers to sell more toys. Anyone Tuck’s leg would be missing. It was just ridiculously bad in a car who’s seen the show have had numerous debates as to who the wreck sort of way. You want to keep watching to see how bad it best Transformer was, or if someone sided with the Autobots or was. Those were the days. the Decepticons. I hated the Autobots. I won’t lie. I thought Optimus Prime was a giant douchebag. He turned into a giant I just realized how often I mentioned theme songs. I also realized semi truck, but where does that giant trailer come from? All he that I know ever single theme song. Does that make me crazy? could do was drive away. Now Megatron, aside from having a Probably.◊
1.
3.
2.
the oyez | the blawg for beginners | 31
1. Bring all your A2J materials, summaries will not suffice and your professor will expect no less than you to walk in with a stack of books and then rewrite as much as possible in during the hour. 2. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who The definitive A2J exam notes. are you? Where's the regular guy?" 3. In the answer book find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative. (Bonus marks for citing Charter provisions.) 4. Come down with a BAD case of Turret's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible. 5. As soon as the invigilator hands you the exam, eat it. 6. Make sure you drink three coffees before the exam and then sit somewhere in the middle of a row, so that when you have to pee five minutes into the exam, you make a big disruption. 7. Bring your Hawaiian shirts and leis to Prof. Ocheje’s Property exam, because his samba ring tone will go off during the exam.
Law I in training.
8. Sit next to the guy or girl freaking out and restating facts like a mad person. Tell them that every case they recite is not on the exam. 9. Estates will dominate you, make no mistake. 10. Your biggest enemy in the exam room is stress. Doubt creeps up once you see the first fact pattern, and before long you're crippled by the fear of flunking and missing out on that soul-crushing firm job that you always wanted. This is ungood. You have to stay loose. And for this we recommend the Law Exam Drinking Game. Smuggle in your favourite whiskey or vodka inside one of those free Lexis-Nexis mugs and be ready to take a drink anytime The in-exam martini
11. Only the hardcore studiers work till the library closes and then go will make sure clubbing and then show up gung-ho, still wearing their club clothes and you’re not shaken or stirred. ready to write the exam. 12. Above all remember, there’s no pressure. Although, you will all be ranked after these sets of exams. Any notions of equality you may have will be gone.
the oyez | last word | 32
