Good Handz Book

Transcript

C) What this course IS and IS NOT 1) NOT a course that teaches how to manipulate women into having sex with you a) What kind of man do you want to be? i) a pathetic man who needs to chase after women and sex with women just to boost his self-esteem? ii) a man who women love because he cares  about  about them and learns how to please them? 2) It IS a course that teaches you how to give women what they want a) this is mutually beneficial b) what I want to help you create are win-win interactions B) How the course works 1) a foundation in theory, theory, to promote psychological shifts a) most men’s psychological disposition around sex is not helpful it is harmful - it’s all about “getting” and “winning” 2) learning skills and practicing them a) solo exercises 3) learning from visual examples II) Good Handz Theory A) Understanding Touch Touch (and Body Language) 1) the primary sense a) the first to develop and therefore the most important b) you cannot live without your sense of touch c) babies will die without touch d) developmental disabilities e) touch is related to our “feelings” and our sense of reality “Touching is defined as "the action, or an act, of feeling some thing with the hand, etc." The operative word is feeling. Al though touch is not itself an emotion, its sensory elements induce those neural, n eural, glandular, muscular, muscular, and mental changes chan ges which in Page 2 of 18 www.goodhandz.com combination we call an emotion. Hence touch is not experienced as a simple physical modality, as sensation, but affectively, as emotion. When we speak of being touched, especially by some act of beauty or sympathy, it is the state of being emotionally moved that we wish to describe.” -Ashley Montagu, "Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin" "...in the final analysis we do not believe in the reality of anything unless we can touch it; we must have tangible evidence. Even faith rests ultimately upon a belief in the substance of things to come or of past events experienced. What we perceive through the other senses as reality we actually take to be nothing more than a good hypothesis, subject to the confirmation of touch. Observe how often people will respond to a sign reading "Wet Paint." Quite frequently they will approach and test the surface with their fingers for themselves. The sign acts upon them as a signal to touch, to verify. Touch attests to "objective reality" in the sense of something outside that is not myself." -Ashley Montagu "Touching: The Human Significance of the Skin" - the vocabulary we use related to touch is voluminous i) “rubbing people the wrong way” ii) “stroking someone the right way” iii) “abrasive” or “prickly” personalities iv) getting “in touch” with somebody, “contacting” v) “handing” somebody or a task vi) “thick-skinned,” “thin-skinned,” “under one’s skin...” vii) something is real if it is “tangible” or “palpable” viii) people are “touchy,” ix) “out of touch,” have lost their grip” x) unfeeling people are “calloused” xi) “makes one’s skin crawl” xii) something good and true is “solid” xiii) “warm” people and “cold” people f) touch creates immediate physiological and emotional response Page 3 of 18 www.goodhandz.com i) stimulates neurochemicals ii) stimulates memories iv) creates unavoidable pleasure or pain 2) emotion transfers through touch (and Body Language) a) DePauw University studies b) a baby senses their parent’s anxiety and emotional struggle i) Wilhelm Reich discovered that babies pick up and express their parents’ emotions ii) “anxious mothers produce anxious babies” [“Psychosocial Medicine,” James L. Halliday] c) think of the inferences you can make about somebody through their handshake 3) Body Language a) our body language conveys our true feelings i) pay attention to hands and face, especially b) a woman’s boundaries will be conveyed through BL i) you particularly want to look for open vs. closed body language 4) touch creates or destroys connection a) hands are tools that can create or destroy b) good touch creates connection, stimulating oxytocin i) connection, bonding, safety, closeness ii) good feelings, turn-on c) bad touch destroys connection, stimulating cortisol i) stress, discomfort, anxiety, repulsion ii) fight or flight 5) 4 main types of touch a) many people interpret all touch as sexual i) probably due to their early conditioning and lack of experience with touch Page 4 of 18 www.goodhandz.com b) 4 types of good touch i) comforting ii) therapeutic iii) sensual iv) sexual c) to be comfortable with sexual touch, you must get comfortable, at least, with comforting touch - also, sensual touch 6) sex is an act of touch (and feeling) a) sex is essentially an act of touch i) your hands are your primary tools for touching ii) sex always begins with the hands a) we all touch ourselves as babies and are taught it’s wrong i) this becomes our primary conditioning around sex and our bodies ii) we regard our sexual urges as “bad” and therefore develop abnormal sexual desires (including all variety of fantasy) 7) touch can be profoundly healing (or wounding) a) almost ALL of us have been wounded through (or around) touch [deep impact on our consciousness] i) physical abuse ii) having our sexual urges suppressed iii) physical neglect iv) we replay these wounds, passing them on to the next generation a) physically healing i) increasing circulation ii) increasing nerve function iii) increasing energy flow iv) relieving tension and stress b) emotionally and psychologically healing [reversing the damage done in childhood and beyond] i) nurturing Page 5 of 18 www.goodhandz.com ii) reassuring iii) relieving stress iv) providing much-needed pleasure 8) you must learn to get comfortable with touch (reprogram yourself) a) if you’ve been negatively conditioned around touch i) we all have been, to some degree ii) “The enormous variety of meanings which sex may have for different individuals, a language which has the kinds of things to say to the other that can be said in no other way, an exchange of love, a means of hurting or exploiting others, a mode of defense, a bargaining point, a way of self-denial or self-assertion, an affirmation or a rejection of masculinity or femininity, and so on, not to mention the abnormal or pathological expressions which sex may take, all, more or less, are influenced by early tactile experience.” a) comfortable with giving touch i) practice the exercises in this program ii) practice using platonic forms of touch (comforting and therapeutic) b) comfortable with receiving touch i) get a (non-sexual) massage 9) good touch is part talent and part learned behavior a) “Through repetition, that is by learning, capacities become abilities enabling the individual to make the fine discriminations that endow the particular sensations with particular meanings. An ability is a trained capacity, and every human being has to learn how to make such fine discriminations. Just as he has to learn the ability of stereognosis so, too, he learns to develop the sensitivities inherent in his skin, or he does not.” (stereognosis is the ability to perceive shape and form through touch) Page 6 of 18 www.goodhandz.com 10) there are different elements of touch a) pressure, rhythm, duration, speed, etc. b) don’t worry about these, just play, explore, and be sincere c) focusing too much on technical things will take you out of the moment, put you in your head. You want to be in your body, immersed in sensation B) What Women Want (in a sexual relationship) 1) to feel safe a) a woman desires to feel safe with a man, period b) she cannot get turned on if she doesn’t feel safe c) you MUST be aware of and respect a woman’s BOUNDARIES i) cats and dogs ii)women are more vulnerable iii) “Tactile stimulation is much more meaningful to females than it is to males. As Fritz Kahn says, bodily contact is to a woman an act of great intimacy and a far-reaching concession. Hence, a woman who refuses intimate connection with a man is roused to indignation if he touches her against her will, and repulses him with the withering words, "How dare you touch me!" d) a woman is more physically and emotionally vulnerable than a man in sexual and romantic interactions i) “swept off her feet” 2) connection and intimacy a) this implies vulnerability or both of you, and communication b) “What men need to understand is that intimacy is a conversation. Most of the time, men are either grabbing and groping, or unconsciously stroking.” -Anonymous woman 3) to feel cherished a) paying attention to and enjoying a woman’s company makes her feel cherished 4) to feel nurtured Page 7 of 18 www.goodhandz.com a) this means you’re taking care of her b) your simple presence (inner quiet) is nurturing to her c) touching her lovingly is nurturing to her 5) to feel held a) this is actually the primary reason many women have sex “Of the group of thirty-nine women patients, twenty-one, or slightly more than one-half, had used sex to entice a male to hold them. Twenty-six of the women had made direct requests to be held.” b) you can hold a woman in every interaction, every touch c) Ashley Montagu writes: “To put one's arms around another is communicate love to the other, for which another word is security.” 6) to be turned on a) women want sex just as much as men!!! i) women’s sexual desires may be a little different, but they want sex just as much as men ii) (just not what’s being offered) b) remember that she can’t be turned on if she doesn’t feel safe c) women usually require ample foreplay in order to be turned on i) this is partially psychological ii) it is also physiological, as a number of things must happen for a woman, physiologically, before she is ready to be penetrated c) the more skill you have with your touch, the more turned on she can get d) “At all ages the female is very much more responsive to tactile stimuli than the male, and more dependent upon touch for erotic arousal than the male, who depends more upon visual stimuli. The difference seems to be, at least in part, genetic, but cultural differences undoubtedly also play a role in the development of tactual responsiveness as between the sexes.” 7) to be handled a) women actually like rough interactions in many cases Page 8 of 18 www.goodhandz.com i) but they ALWAYS need to feel safe to enjoy it b) you can handle a woman using Gentle Firmness*  c) handling a woman basically means i) restraining her ii) picking her up iii) grabbing her iv) turning her over v) etc. d) some women, when turned on, desire intense tactile stimulation that would be painful if they were not turned on. “In sexual arousal the whole sensory character of the skin is heightened. Sensations that under ordinary circumstances would be painful, often become intensely pleasurable. Some women in the midst of orgasm will cry out to be hurt and will enjoy the pain inflicted upon them, a pain always directed at and experienced through the skin” 8) a ‘confident’ man a) the difference between confident and aggressive i) confidence is gained through experience and mastery ii) aggression is a product of insecurity -it’s obvious when a guy is trying to act confident that he’s obviously insecure b) “You touched me like you owned me.” -ex-girlfriend 9) presence a) let go of strategizing and actually be with the woman b) presence is just basic focused attention c) having clear, calm presence is enough to melt a woman 10) skilllzzz a) women are impressed by many skills - these are the top 3 i) conversation ii) style and grooming iii) bedroom skills -bedroom skills are 80% HANDZ Page 9 of 18 www.goodhandz.com [NOTICE that ALL THREE of these skills have a DIRECT effect on them.] C) What’s Stopping You From Giving Women What They Want 1) negative examples of relating to women a) porn is male-pleasure focused fantasy i) drilling and controlling a woman ii) degrading her iii) lack of adequate foreplay b) most media shows bad examples of sex i) 2) lack of experience and education (in relating and with touch) a) nobody taught you b) women don’t give helpful feedback c) you weren’t paying attention d) “Women have always in great numbers complained of the male's lack of tenderness sexually and in general.” “The oft-heard complaint directed by women at the clumsiness, crassness, and incompetence of men in their sexual approaches and in sexual intercourse itself, men's lack of skill in foreplay and their failure to understand its meaning, almost certainly substantially reflects the lack of tactile experience that such males have suffered in childhood. The roughness with which many men will handle women and children constitutes yet another evidence of their having been failed in early tactile experience, for it is difficult to conceive of anyone who had been tenderly loved and caressed in infancy not learning to approach a woman or a child with especial tenderness. The very word tenderness implies softness, delicacy of touch, caring for. The gorilla, that gentle creature, is the most frequently slandered animal when women wish to describe the sexual approaches of the average male. Sex seems to be regarded as a tension releaser rather than as a profoundly meaningful act of communication in a deeply involving human relationship.” - “Touching...” 3) not understanding/feeling women a) the best way to learn about women is to pay attention to them, to listen to them Page 10 of 18 www.goodhandz.com b) though, the fact is that you will never really understand women i) “Women are meant to be loved, not understood.” -Oscar Wilde c) you should pay more attention to wanting to “feel” a woman than understanding her d) men want to be understood, women want to be felt 4) lack of self-control (being too aggressive) a) studies have shown that women’s biggest complaint about men is that they are too sexually aggressive i) one reason women interpret men as being sexually aggressive is simply because they have not eased a woman into sexual interaction - the first kiss - moving too fast b) primarily, what differentiates a boy and a man is self-control i) a child is insecure, doesn’t know that his needs will be met ii) a man is secure and knows that he will get what he wants if he is patient and works for his reward 5) neediness a) NEEDY: Nobody Ever Even Desires You b) nothing kills any relationship more than neediness c) women will FEEL your neediness when you touch them d) aggression actually comes from neediness 6) you’re nervous and lack confidence a) pay attention b) practice c) forget yourself 7) you may be uncomfortable with touch, in general a) practice using comforting and therapeutic touch more 8) you don’t know how your own touch feels a) must start touching yourself to gain sensory awareness b) pay closer attention to a woman’s responses i) remember that intimacy is a conversation; you have to not only do, but pay attention to the response 8) sex-negative culture (mixed messages about pleasure) Page 11 of 18 www.goodhandz.com a) we are taught to devalue our simple, pure, sexual expression and desire b) yet we are immersed in sexual imagery and are told that we are not men if we are not getting sex c) this all results in a great deal of anxiety (and lack of confidence) D) How to Give Women What They Want 1) slow down 2) be present (aware) 3) have self-control “There’s nothing hotter than a man who knows how to withhold his sexual energy.” -anonymous woman 3) hold them a) remember women want to be held just as much as they want sex b) holding a woman helps her feel safe with you c) ABH (Always be holding) 4) tease them a) this is part of going slow and it drives them crazy b) teasing is done mostly WITH YOUR HANDS 5) enjoy foreplay a) teasing is part of foreplay b) learn to enjoy giving her pleasure c) many women find foreplay MORE pleasurable than intercourse! d) foreplay is NOT just giving her head i) it is mostly HANDS 5) take control (when they feel safe) 6) touch them everywhere a) every part of a woman’s body is an erogenous zone b) “The tactual-cutaneous sensitivity of the genitals at puberty becomes more acute and in the male becomes the major focus of his sexuality, while the female seems to retain more of the larger overall tactuality of infancy while exhibiting especial sensitivity in breasts, labiae and clitoris.” 7) stop strategizing and worrying about doing everything right Page 12 of 18 www.goodhandz.com a) technique is good, but caring is best b) so long as you are aware, present, and caring, you’ll do alright E) Primary Principles of the Program 1) Givingness a) the most important principle of this program b) give to give, not to get (you get what you give) c) focus on her pleasure, not what you’re getting d) the more you truly give, the more you will usually get 2) Lovingness a) you have to recognize her as a human being, not an object i) care for her like you would care for a baby or a child b) all human beings desire to be loved (sex and intimacy are opportunities to love each other) c) the more loving your intention is, the better your touch will feel and the more love you’ll get in return 3) Awareness a) everything is learned through awareness, by ‘paying attention’ b) if you’re not using awareness, you are acting mechanically, and mechanical relating, mechanical touching, is a poor substitute for the real thing c) the more aware you are, the better your touch will feel 4) Feeling and Sensitivity a) the ability to feel acutely, to feel all the differences (every woman is different in every moment) b) sensitivity to a woman’s boundaries, needs, and desires sensitivity with your touch/hands c) touch to feel, not just to affect 5) Slow Down (go at her pace) a) female arousal rate b) women need to feel safe Page 13 of 18 www.goodhandz.com c) sexual tension builds as you move slowly d) must pay attention to her signals “There is nothing hotter than a man who knows how to withhold his sexual energy.” -anonymous woman 6) The Woman is In Charge a) for harmony, the person who is more vulnerable must have the first and final say b) women invite advances, without invitation, the advance is shut down or she is violated 7) Holding (and “holding space”) a) a safe space where nothing is required b) the man should hold a woman like a wine glass holds wine (Mike Lousada) c) when you hold a woman, let yourself, all your anxiety and desires fall away (just be the container) 8) Connection and Intimacy a) women usually desire more connection and intimacy in order to allow sex b) connection requires presence, really being there c)intimacy implies vulnerability, really being seen, as you are (this is powerful) 9) Playfulness a) we all learn through play, through exploration b) play is joyful, simple and innocent c) give-give, not give-take d) play is a push-pull interaction e) sex is best when playful, not serious (though, sincere) 10) Gentle Firmness a) an animal picking up its baby b) a handshake c) a gentleman d) the wind 11) Microcosmic Touch a) every part affects the whole Page 14 of 18 www.goodhandz.com b) when you touch one part, touch it as if you are touching her whole being c) every part of a woman’s body is an erogenous zone F) Some Other Things 1) chemistry 2) variability of women’s desires and preferences 3) Some women you’ll be able to feel more than others (this may be due to chemistry and it may be due to her own type of energy) i) the more turned on a woman is, the more you can feel her energy. This is because she is radiating more energy 3) confidence and dominance 4) being vulnerable G) What NOT To Do a) touch mechanically - without awareness i) this is usually touching with too much force or too lightly ii) touching should always be deliberate (whether light or firm) iii) do not touch tentatively b) never restrain a woman unless she is already VERY comfortable w/ you c) usually avoid touching a woman’s belly unless she’s very comfortable d) don’t reach for a woman’s face or neck (or head) unless she’s already very comfortable with you e) reach for a woman’s ass or breasts (in early interactions) III) Solo Exercises A) Hand Strength Exercises [see ‘Solo Exercises’ Document]  B) Hand Sensitivity Exercises [see ‘Solo Exercises’ Document]  C) Feeling Your Own Touch [see ‘Solo Exercises’ Document]  D) Self-Pleasuring Exercise [see ‘Solo Exercises’ Document]  Page 15 of 18 www.goodhandz.com IV) Model Demo A) Initial Touches [to communicate more sensuality and sexual interest, hold touches longer] 1) hug a) brush arms down side variations (also with hands/pinkies) 2) handshake a) two-handed variation 3) cheek-kiss greeting a) variations with hands 4) touch in neutral touch zone a) B) Prep for making out 1) keep your nails trimmed and clean 2) wash your hands 3) are your hands cold? C) A little massage [this is a kind thing to do for a woman, as well as a possible lead-in to a make-out. Just don’t be a creep and expect it to move into a make-out.] 1) so long as you are paying attention, you’ll do pretty well 2) starting with shoulders, moving to neck 3) ask if you can massage scalp 4) move to temples 5) light micro-brushes up nape of neck 6) bindu point 7) ears D) Basic Make-Out 1) most guys go wrong at the first kiss a) not enough touch leading up to it b) not reading body language / bad timing c) grabbing inappropriately during kiss d) going in too forcefully with the lips and/or tongue 2) start with more touching, ideally Page 16 of 18 www.goodhandz.com a) start with comforting touch > therapeutic/sensual > sexual b) the “sexual touch” begins when you are cued! i) sexual touch has more of a push-pull feel to it E) Erogenous Zones and Specific Strokes 1) Remember - it’s EZ - every zone is an erogenous zone 2) generally, you will move from the least erogenous zones to the most erogenous zones (coolest to hottest) 3) generally, strokes that move toward a woman’s primary erogenous zones will turn her on more F) Restraining 1) restraining is ‘hot,’ but cannot be employed if the woman is not already comfortable 2) the best kind of restraining, initially, is just hinting at restraining, not actually restraining (It is PLAY) G) Moving from Sensual touch to Sexual Touch 1) sensual strokes are more smooth, pushing with gentle pressure 2) sexual strokes are more clutching, more gripping, pulling, pushing H) Holding I) Cuddling V. CONCLUSION A. A few other things: 1. spontaneity and intuition a) you want to be feeling more than thinking b) you want to “listen” to the woman’s body c) you can ask yourself “how would she want to be touched?” and “how would this part of her body want to be touched?” 2. caveats and exceptions a) sometimes women are just really hot and horny and want to move fast (1) sometimes this is actually what they want and you should go for it (2) sometimes, it’s what they think they’ll want and they’ll regret it later (3) best to err on the side of moving slowly b) some women want to play the more dominant role and to take charge Page 17 of 18 www.goodhandz.com (1) you don’t always have to be in the dominant role (2) if you are accustomed to playing the dominant role, sometimes it’s good to relax and surrender 3. Alcohol inhibits awareness a) can make you move too fast b) can make your touch very sloppy c) can make you less attractive d) people use alcohol not to “feel” fear or anxiety, but it can also inhibit things that are really good to feel, sensitivity B. Ethics and a story about ethics (and alcohol) 1. if you follow what I’m telling you in this program, you will have far more power with women a) more power makes sex more available b) makes it easier to hurt women c) more require requires more responsibility 2. “Great power, when it befalls a man, is a true test of his characters. All of his actions have significant influence on others. What he says is heard, what he thinks is felt. He has the wherewithal to bring enlightenment and progress to his world, or to lead it into chaos and evil. He can greatly further his inner development or completely exhaust himself. Therefore the man possessing Great Power is mostly concerned with correctness.” -”I Ching Workbook,” R.L. Wing 3. story about me and a friend in a hot-tub Page 18 of 18 www.goodhandz.com -SOME NOTES ON READING BODY LANGUAGEIn order to successfully connect with women, it is necessary to respond appropriately to their body language. Of course, this means we re either reading and processing their ʼ body language subconsciously, or we re consciously paying attention to and interpreting ʼ it. Some of us are naturals at reading body language, but most of us (men) basically suck at it. This is in sharp contrast to women, who tend to read body language accurately and effortlessly. They process it subconsciously, without having to think. The reason is that body language is an emotional language, and women are more in touch with that level of expression. Emotions happen in and speak through our bodies, and women are simply more in their bodies, in touch with their and other people s ʼ emotions, and therefore have an easier time “speaking” and “listening to” body language. Since we (men) tend to suck at reading body language, we miss a lot of important cues from women - which tell us either if they re interested or not, or want us to come closer ʼ or to back off. Because we re not naturally gifted like women are, it can be helpful for us ʼ to know what a few specific signals (usually) mean. Though, there are literally hundreds of body language cues people use, mostly unconsciously, and there s no need for you to memorize them all of them. It s actually ʼ ʼ more effective to be in a calm, attentive state, where you ll naturally pick up on more ʼ body language, than to be obsessed with figuring it all out. page 1 of 8 www.goodhandz.com I m going to tell you about some specific cues here, but more importantly, I m going to ʼ ʼ give you some general guidelines, all which will help you visually see a woman s ʼ boundaries and her desires. Often, we blow our chances with women by either being unaware of closed body language  and therefore violating their boundaries. This pisses them off and stresses them out. Just as frequently, we are missing open signals and “indicators of interest,”  opportunities and invitations to connect. This also frustrates women. We can be SO oblivious. Paying attention to women s body language more has a few major benefits. It is not ʼ only... 1) helpful in knowing whether a woman is interested in you or not, but... 2) it s also helpful because it places your attention more on THE WOMAN and less on ʼ you and your fears and anxieties. Try it. Next time you talk with a woman, focus less on yourself, and how you look, and what to say, and what she might think of you, etc., and just place a little more attention on her body language. You ll probably feel a little ʼ more relaxed. 3) This has another great benefit. WOMEN LOVE ATTENTION, and they want us to SEE and FEEL them. Therefore, seeing and feeling their body language is a very practical step in this direction. Since you can t read a woman s mind, and probably ʼ ʼ would still be lost, even if you could, you might as well pay more attention to her feeling state, by paying attention to her movements, and you ll be more “in touch” with her. ʼ That s what she wants, anyway. She could care less about what you think she thinks. ʼ She wants to know you care about and feel how she feels. And you want to know that she feels good, because that means you re doing a good job. So pay ATTENTION! ʼ Now, the key is always ATTENTION. But you don t want all your attention wrapped up ʼ in ANALYZING her body language. Don t get hung up on it and don t make a big deal of ʼ page 2 of 8 www.goodhandz.com ʼ it. Just get a decent foundation in understanding what some common body language signals mean, and start integrating it into your awareness. I ll give you a few pointers here, but if you want to learn more about this fascinating ʼ subject, I recommend reading “The Definitive Book of Body Language” by Allan and Barbara Pease. This is also a good basic resource, and is a quick read: http://www.wikihow.com/Read-Body-Language BOUNDARIES, DESIRES, and AVERSIONS For now, you should know that a woman s body language will communicate her ʼ boundaries, as well as her desires and aversions (what she wants and doesn t want), ʼ and a whole range of other emotions. With regard to desires, we can be talking about attraction, i.e. desiring you, or desiring something else, like walking away and getting back to her friends. The body generally will point where it wants to go. When you re by yourself, but around people, start making a practice of watching ʼ people s body language and seeing what you pick up on. Notice their emotional states ʼ and just start quietly asking yourself what their movements and gestures mean. This will get you more tuned in. Especially start watching women s body language when ʻ ʻ ʼ they are interacting with men. Notice when they draw closer or farther away, when their bodies open up or close, or when they turn toward or away from the man. These are the main things you ll start wanting to notice when you re interacting. I ll talk more about ʼ ʼ ʼ that further down. BOUNDARIES It s really important to be careful not to cross a woman s boundaries, for one, because ʼ ʼ it s unkind and forces her to have to either defend herself, one way or another, or to put ʼ up with your blind ass, and two, because it usually ruins your chances of connecting with the woman and makes her lose respect for you. The best way to not cross her boundaries is to notice how her body language changes and try to get a sense of whether she s open to you or closed. Some guys, genuinely caring, become too fearful ʼ page 3 of 8 www.goodhandz.com of crossing women s boundaries, which is why it s also really good to a) know how to ʼ ʼ touch respectfully, and b) be aware of some basic Indicators of Interest. INDICATORS of INTEREST (see list on page 6) Especially if you re shy, knowing more about “indicators of interest” (IOIs) can be ʼ helpful. Guys usually miss IOIs because 1) we suck at reading body language, and 2) we re bashful and insecure and have a hard time believing some cute girl is flirting with ʼ us or inviting us to connect. Believe it, buddy, and start paying more attention. MIXED SIGNALS and MISINTERPRETATION One thing to be aware of, when interpreting a person s body language, is that individual ʼ signals do not necessarily give you an accurate read of their emotional state, desires, aversions, etc. The same basic movement or position can mean different things. For example, a woman might cross her arms because she is disinterested in you or uncomfortable for some reason, but she also may do it because she is cold. She may blink a lot because she is flirting with you, or it could be that her contact lenses are irritating her eyes. To accurately analyze  body language, you need to put together a whole string of signals, rather than basing your judgment on one or two. THE BASICS The primary and most fundamental things you ll want to be aware of, with regard to a ʼ woman s body language are: ʼ A. Open vs. Closed Is her body is open and relaxed or if it is closed and tight? If her body language is open and relaxed, she feels comfortable with you and you re at least not creeping her out. If ʼ it is closed and tense, she s uncomfortable for some reason. It could be you, it could be ʼ something else. If you can relax a bit more, she may, also. Good luck with that. :) Closed positions  involve the limbs being crossed over each other, or arms across the body. Also, the body being sunken into itself, hunched over, head down, is also closed. page 4 of 8 www.goodhandz.com Open positions  are upright, wrists showing, limbs away from the body, legs apart, chin up, chest out, looking confident. B. Proximity Be aware of whether she is drawing nearer to you or pulling farther away. If she draws nearer, she wants to be closer with you. It s an OBVIOUS SIGN you should not miss. It ʼ does not necessarily mean “kiss me now” (though it may), but it does mean you re on ʼ the right track. If she gets very close to you she probably wants you to touch her. (Remember, Comforting touch first! Watch the Initial touches video!). If she creates distance, don t close the gap with her, but maintain the connection if you can. Don t ʼ ʼ panic. Respect her space and she may warm up to you more. A good general rule for proximity, is two feet (.6 meters). This is about how much space people usually feel comfortable having between them and a person they are conversing with. If you get closer, you may make her uncomfortable and blow your chances. If you re too far away, you will feel disconnected. ʼ C. Direction Be aware of whether her body is oriented toward you or away from you. If she s facing ʼ you directly, she wants immediate one on one connection. If she is oriented away from you, even if it is just one of her legs pointing away from you, she s not fully invested in ʼ the interaction, for whatever reason. Don t stress it. When she feels comfortable, she ʼ will turn toward you. It is usually a good idea, when talking with a woman, not to immediately square your body off toward her, as this can feel intimidating, as if you are demanding her space and attention. She may feel trapped - stressed...bad news. It is best to angle yourself slightly away from her initially, so she feels free to stay or go. Being angled slightly away indicates that you don t need to connect, but that you want to. If things get more ʼ interesting, she will usually change her position, to face you more directly. That s what ʼ you want. page 5 of 8 www.goodhandz.com MIRRORING One way to handle closed body language is to “mirror” it. This means that you will just match her body language. Mirroring is something all people do subconsciously, because it naturally helps to build rapport. Start noticing how people will match each other s body language during conversations. Even small groups of people will adopt ʼ common positions and postures while interacting. So, if she folds her arms over each other, you do that, too. Often mirroring helps the other person relax, by subconsciously communicating that “we are on the same page,” or “I feel you.” Usually, after being mirrored, the other person s closed body language will dissolve and open up. ʼ INDICATORS of INTEREST LIST Here are some classic IOIs for you. Most of this list I found online and was compiled by a guy called Sebastian Reef. I have added a few. Please remember, some of these signals can easily mean other things, but sometimes women deliberately make these things as obvious as they can, because they HOPE we will pick up on them. So start paying more attention. When she s sitting: ʼ • sits up straight with her muscles firm • legs are open, not crossed • legs are rubbing against each other • one leg is rubbing on a leg of the table • one leg is pointing toward you • she bounces or plays with her shoe while looking at you Hair: • runs her fingers through her hair • plays with her hair while looking at you • pulls a string of hair between her lips • tossing her hair back over her shoulders Eyes: • her pupils are dilated and she looks deep into your eyes with clear interest • raises her eyebrows, along with a smile and eye contact page 6 of 8 www.goodhandz.com • she blinks more and flutters her eyelashes Miscellaneous: • she opens herself up • she exposes her wrists • she strokes her body • she fondles something cylindrical (yes, women do this) • she draws attention to her lips while looking at you (putting on lipstick, etc.) • she s clearly having a really good time with you ʼ • she takes a few seconds to preen (to adjust her clothes or hair) • she draws closer to you • she makes subtle eye contact with you • she checks you out EYES and TRIANGLE PATTERNS Another interesting thing to be aware of is that, when we are engaged in a normal conversation, with somebody we are comfortable with, but not sexually interested in, our gaze will move in a triangle, between the other person s eyes, down to their mouth, then ʼ back up to their eyes. If we are interested in somebody sexually, our gaze will subtly make a larger triangle, moving down to their chest, then back up to the eyes. If you notice a woman s gaze moves down past your mouth to your chest, she is probably ʼ looking at you as a potential sexual partner. YOUR BODY LANGUAGE OK, I couldn t leave you here without saying a few words about your body language. ʼ The truth is that your body language will demonstrate to a woman how you are feeling, whether you re happy and confident, or nervous and anxious, etc. So how you feel ʼ affects your body language. And yet, your body language can also have an influence on how you feel. In other words, if you change your posture, you will feel different emotionally. Your whole energy can shift. page 7 of 8 www.goodhandz.com Naturally, subconsciously, most people “preen” and adjust their posture, suck in their bellies, etc., when they come into contact with an attractive person. You probably do, too. But often, when men approach women, they are so shy and nervous that their body language usually gives off all kinds of indications of this. So you have two basic ways out of this. 1) you really learn how to relax and feel happy and confident when you approach a woman - which would be ideal, right? Well, that will take some time, or depend on your mood. 2) you can make a conscious effort of simply paying more attention to your posture, and even “put on” more confident body language. Personally, I think it s worth an ʼ experiment to see how it works for you. You will actually notice you feel better. But beware of adopting cocky and aggressive body language, which is actually unattractive to most women. That s where men tend to go when they think “confident.” They take it ʼ too far into “aggressive” and arrogant. Not necessary. Remember that being confident is being relaxed, while being upright. I ve seen a lot of guys puffing out their chests, ʼ holding their arms in awkward positions, etc., and it just looks stiff and unnatural. Far better to be relaxed and upright. The best posture advice I can give you - and there is lots out there - is imagine your entire vertebral column (spine) is being suspended by a string, coming out of the sky, that is pulling you up, from the crown of your head. Take a deep breath and relax and feel yourself being suspended. Let your shoulders relax... Enjoy. page 8 of 8 www.goodhandz.com