Emotional Vampires

Transcript

BOOK REVIEW Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People who Drain you Dry by Michael Bittle SID 8943314 Pastoral Care with Difficult Persons and Abnormal Behaviour  MS 3XG3 Instructor: Dr. Wade Rowatt July 30, 2010 1 Bernstein, Albert. Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People who Drain you Dry. Dry. New York: McGraw-Hill, 2001. 242 pages. AUTHOR  Dr. Albert J. Bernstein is a professional vampire-slayer. For the past 40 years, he has worked as a psychologist, psycho logist, therapist, therapist, author, speaker, columnist, and business consultant making a career out of studying difficult people and t elling others how to deal with them. In add ition to Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People who Drain you Dry, Bernstein has authored and coauthored four other books on the subject: How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive Exp losive People (2003); Sacred Bull (1995); Bull (1995); Neanderthals at Work  Work (1992); (1992); and Dinosaur Brains (1989). INTRODUCTION Bernstein is well-known for teaching people ho w to confront difficult and frightening situations with wit and wisdom. InEmotional InEmotional Vampires, he helps us identify the "vampires" in our lives and, armed with a psychologist¶s perspective and much-needed humor, he offers us a range of defense strategies guaranteed to keep the blood-sucking creatures of darkness from draining us dry. Bernstein uses illustrative vignettes based on both family and business scenarios derived from his many years of experience. The prose is clear and d irect and the book is structured to be as accessible to as wide an aud ience as possible. It is also extremely practical and unsent imental. One of the repeated lines is ³always to remember that attempting psychotherapy on so meone you know will make you both sicker.´ Emotional Vampires teaches us how to protect o urselves from from people who emotionally and materially drain us for their own o wn gain and at our expense. These T hese "vampires" prey on colleagues, friends, and family. They are espec ially dangerous because their self-absorption prevents them from seeing that they are harming others, and even makes them think they are helping others. "Vampires" are especially gifted at finding the most vulnerable victims. OVERVIEW The book begins with a brief overview of personality disorders in general, and then discusses five types of problem people²the Emotional Vampires. After a few introductory chapters helping to set the stage st age (and firmly establish his vampire metaphor), Bernstein dedicates a chapter to each type of vampire personality. The introductory chapters outline how "vampires" are different from other people, how they are "made", and how their ³sucking black holes of  emotional needs´ will suck the life out of anyone who doesn't do esn't know how to defend themself. Bernstein repeatedly makes the point that t hat life is lonely for vampires: For them, the world comprises only their needs, nothing else. Bernstein gives a general overview of what it means to be an emotional vampire and how others can spot them. First, he explains that t hat emotional vampires are people with personality disorders. He notes that when people are driving themselves crazy, they have neuroses neuro ses or  psychoses. When they drive other people crazy, they have personality disorders (3). One of  Bernstein's main contentions is that emotional vampires are in fact mentally ill, and that most of  them could probably best be diagnosed with one of o f several personality disorders described in the DSM IV, which is the primary reference boo k/diagnostic manual used by psychologists psycho logists and other helping professionals to diagnose and t reat their patients. He also explains that personali perso nality ty disorders can be assessed on a spectrum and caut ions 2 that the people who give us trouble, or the types he addresses in this book, are not likely likely to be seriously dysfunctional. Some people have symptoms s ymptoms severe enough to require hospitalization or  other professional help. Others have symptoms that are o nly apparent when the person is under  stress or bored. Bernstein says that emotional vampires²particularly when acting up²are e motional two-year olds and the ways of o f dealing with them are the same: setting limits, arranging contingencies, being consistent, keeping keep ing lectures to a minimum, rewarding good behav iour and ignoring bad, and occasionally putting them in time-out (14). One of his big lessons is, actually, actua lly, they don¶t think like you: If you interpret what they say and do and according to what you would feel if you said or did the same thing, you¶ll be wrong almost every time. And you¶ll end up drained dry (17). He lists the basic social rules of  emotional vampires as: My needs are more important than yours; the rules apply to ot her people, not me; It¶s not my fault, ever; I want it now; If I don¶t get my way, I throw t hrow a tantrum (18). In Chapter 4 (Dark Powers) Bernstein explains how vampire hypnosis works, starting with a killer first impression (23) and then working via misdirection, misdirection, identification, isolation, control, alternative reality, false choices (24-26). The danger signs o f hypnosis are: deviating from standard procedure, thinking in superlatives, instant rapport, seeing the person or situation as special, lack of concern with w ith objective information, confusion (27-29). The final warning: if  you think you can¶t be hypnotized, you probably already are (32). While most emotional vampires have common traits, Bernstein focuses on t he five types who cause most of the trouble: tro uble: Antisocial (Lovable Rogues-Daredevils, Used-car Salesmen, and Bullies), Histrionic (Vampires Who Ham It Up, Passive-Aggressive Vampires); Narcissistic Narcissistic (Legends in their Own Minds, Vampire Superstars); Obsessive-Compulsive (Perfectionists and Puritans) and Paranoids (Visionaries and Green-eyed Monsters). Each Vampire Type then t hen gets its own Part (chapter). These chapters fo llow llow a standard st andard pattern: a description of common behaviours with hypo thetical scenarios, and a twenty question checklist of likely symptoms to see if you (o r the person who has been sucking you dry) is a vampire of that type. Bernstein then he explains what the t est is measuring, offers techniques for  coping with them, and therapy t herapy options for them. He concludes the boo k with a brief summing up of the varieties, variet ies, their effects and most important elements in coping strategy²control, connection, facing your fears (the path to safety always goes through fear rather than t han away from it). ³So when you are dealing with vampires, there is always another choice, even e ven if it¶s only walking away ... the t he things that you¶re most embarrassed to discuss are the things you most need to share ... when you¶re dealing dea ling with vampires, the choice that seems most frightening is usually the right one.´ (234) The key feature is understanding and counteracting the mechanics. There is no point speculating about how they got go t like that. Particularly not in seeing them as suffering so me sort of  sickness, because that leads one to accommodate them and their behaviours should never be accommodated (234). MAIN CHAPTER SUMMARIES What follows is a brief review of each chapter: c hapter: Part 1 The Antisocial Antisocial Types: Lovable Rogues Part 1 deals with Lovable Rogues²the Ro gues²the Antisocials. As Bernstein points out, this is really 3 a bad label since they are highly social; it is other people they don¶t care about. Anti-Social Vampires ignore social rules and are generally add icted to excitement - sex, drugs, gambling, death-defying feats, whatever gets their blood p umping. Antisocial vampires are often attractive, energetic and fun to be around, but they are inherently unreliable and have no problem lying to get what they want. Bernstein uses the analogy of the Ferrari and the Toyota to explain the attractiveness of this type of Emotional Vampire: ³Toyotas are safe and practical, but not much fun. Ferraris are dangerously powerful, fabulously expensive, and in the shop more than they are on the road. Still, they¶re what we dream about when we buy Toyotas.´(35) Antisocial Vampires are actually very social and, at the same time, loners. People very often notice them (not always for good goo d reason), but because of commi co mmitment tment issues, they t hey are oftentimes alone (or at least feel that way). wa y). Antisocial vampires are characterized as Vampire Daredevils (who never seem to admit that t here is such a thing as "too much fun"), Used Car  Salesmen (who always seem to say exactly what you want to hear), and Bullies. But Antisocial vampires are also mistrustful of others because they suspect t hat all people are motivated by self-interest, and²like them²are only capable o f predatory behavior. Antisocials are the simplest of vampires, also the most dangerous. All they want out of life is a good time, a little little action, and immediate gratification of their every desire (33).Famous ones include (according to Bernstein) James Dean, E lvis, Michael Milkin and Mike Tyson. Everyday folks: cowboys, day traders, party animals, tobacco -industry spinmeisters, spinmeisters, crooks and that tyrant t yrant who runs the finance department. Part 2 The Histrionic Histrionic Types: Show Business Business Vampire Style Histrionic Vampires live for attention and approval, and if you don't give it willingly, they will scream bloody murder so that t hat the rest of the world gives it to them. Watch out when they try to suck you into their soap operas, Bernstein says. These folks are e xperts at hiding motivation, even from themselves. If you ca ll them on their devious and duplicitous act ions, guess who the meanie is? (99) Types include Hams, or o r high-maintenance drama queens, and Passive-Aggressives, who mount obvious attacks they never o wn. Vampire Hams make up for the t he lack of talent and truly remarkable skills by putting on a show for the rest of the world. Passive-Aggressive Vampires go out of their way to appear to be helping while all the while pushing their own agenda.(113) They are pathological givers who submerge part o f their personality²from personality²from themselves. Bernstein Bernste in criticizes the self-esteem push: the same thing that is missing in all Histrionic creations²namely, an attempt to go below the surface and deal with the self in all its complexity (117). Famous bloodsuckers? Marilyn Monroe, Madonna, Tammy Faye Baker, Martha Stewart and president-whatever George W. Bush. Everyday E veryday folks: office gossips, pious stone casters and "unintentional" sexual harassers. Part 3 The Narcisstic Types: Types: Big Egos, Small Everywhere Else Narcissistic Vampires have huge egos and t iny consciences. They have grandiose fantasies about being the smartest, most talented peop le in the world. It's not that they think th ink less of others, they don't think of o f them, period. Unfortunately, greatness and narcissism are pals. One of the book¶s strengths is that Bernstein also also points po ints out the positive aspects of the various Types: There may be narcissism without without greatness, but t here is no greatness without narcissism (130). The description of what it is like to be a Narcissist is fairly scary: They can¶t 4 feel connected to anything larger than themselves, because in their universe t here is nothing larger than themselves (131). More than loving themselves, Narcissists are absorbed with the mselves. They feel their  own desires so acutely they can¶t ca n¶t pay attention to anything else.The easiest wa y to get drained is to take Narcissists¶ inconsideration personally, to get upset over what t hey must be thinking to treat you the way wa y they do. The most important important thing t hing to remember is that Narcissistic Narcissistic vampires are not thinking of you at all (132). In a nutshell, to a Narcissistic Narcissistic vampire, other ot her people are either prospective purveyors of  Narcissistic supplies or invisible (136). Bernstein divides Narcissists into Legends (with talent like theirs, who needs performance?) and Superstars (You¶ve got to love these guys! Worship them actually). The former are o ften highly creative and Bernstein is particularly unsentimentally practical about what creative really means (146-7). He reminds us that Narcissists are condemned to live in a world where nothing is bigger than their own egos (150). These vampires are born to lead but rarely have more than self-interest in mind. They come in two flavors: flavors: Legends In Their The ir Own Minds, or self-proclaimed geniuses. Most famous? Bill Clinton. The everyday model: your bright but terminally unemployed brother-in-law. Part 4 The Obsessive-Compulsive Types: Too Much of a Good Thing Obsessive-Compulsive Vampires abhor chaos. Anything that is out of order must be fixed. Bernstein divides Obsessive-Compulsive vampires into two versions, Perfectionists and Puritans, but suggests dealing with them as having very similar problems and responding to very similar techniques. (187) Perfectionists expect everything to be "exactly right", and, of course, only the perfectionist knows what "exactly right" means. Nothing is ever go od enough for the perfectionist. Puritans believe that good deeds should be rewarded and bad deeds should not go unpunished. They believe that those who follow the rules should be rewarded and are frustrated and uncontrollably angry when it doesn't work that way. They have no concept of picking battles or how things play out in the bigger picture.(195) They suppress their antisocial tendencies by distracting themselves²they stay busy. This distraction prevents them from looking at their own internal struggles; instead they direct their  attention to the outside world²to you. If they can keep you in check and attending to even the smallest details, then they won¶t have enough time to examine their own base impulses. Obsessive-Compulsive Vampires are too much of a go od thing, Bernstein says. They do the world's most thankless tasks, but they're addicted to safety and control, which they attain through scrupulous attention to detail. They take no pleasure in hurting you, but don't test them by threatening their anal-retentive little worlds. They never, ever give praise. And they push those in their sphere to be as uber-competent as they are. Famous o nes: Al Gore and Ralph Nader. Everyday folks: the nearby control co ntrol freak. Part 5 The Paranoid Types: Types: Seeing Things that Others Can¶t Paranoid Vampires see patterns in everything. Nothing ever happens by chance. People who do not see t he same patterns are obviously ignoring the problem or t he cause of the problem. (208) Paranoid Vampires are relentless in getting others to buy into their ideas. Bernstein divides Paranoids into Visionaries and Green-Eyed Monsters but regards the strategies for dealing with them to be very similar. Visionaries often have really elaborate ideas that only they can understand. Some of them 5 are good, but others are just ³crazy´. (218) Green-Eyed Monsters are motivated by the idea that everyone is jealous of them and/or wants what they have. They frequent ly test the limits limits of  o f  loyalty and friendship, even going go ing so far as to demand knowledge know ledge of things that are not their  the ir  business. (223) Paranoid Vampires see the world wo rld as one big X-File. Searching for invisible truths, these folks are the policemen of the vampire world, Bernstein says. You feel safe and secure in their  certainty, until you become beco me a suspect. These vampires can be deep thinkers and moralists. Or  they can be total tot al conspiracy-theorist freaks. It's hard to know which camp their t ent is pitched in - Visionaries or Green-Eyed Monsters. Pat Buchanan is the poster vampire. Regular ones are jealous spouses and people who post weird things on the Internet. CONSIDERATIONS In his latest book, Emotional Vampires:Dealing with People Who Drain You Dry, Dry, Dr. Albert Bernstein has descended into the depths of human behaviours to shed light on how we can deal with diffi d ifficult cult and painful relationships. The book has an appealing title and theme²comparing people with personality disorders to vampires.Bernsteinhas unearthedold truths that have the po wer to stab emotional vampires in the heart and enable the t he rest of us to walkonce wa lkonce again in the sunshine of o f healthy healthy relationships. re lationships. Using a lighthearted, humorous, and at times breezy writing style, this book is a good introduction to personality disorders. It is very well written in a po pular style and, while the subject of personality disorders is certainly not funny, Bernstein uses approp riate humour to help educate the layman on personality disordered individuals who thrive on e motional drama and trauma. Indeed, as a non-technical descript ion of personality personality disorders, the t he book would be useful for both the layman and the practitioner alike. One key ke y element that makes this book so usefulfor  usefulfor  a popular market is that it is not another DSM IV description of severe mental disorders. Bernstein presents them more casually, thereby avo ids labelling people with a mental health diagnosis, yet still identifies the more annoying characteristics of their act ions and behaviours. It is truly a self-help book, such that we are able to apply app ly his advice to our daily lives to make healthy changes and ³take back the night´.This book gives us psychological permission to take action and that is the real µacid test¶ of a good self-help book. To be fair, the boo k seems to be mostly written for a business audience, people who come up against personality-disordered individuals in the workplace. T he book title does suggest that it takes a broader approach, appro ach, but most of the examples Bernstein uses are geared toward handling emotional vampires who do not share a family connection. This makes this book less helpful to people who are trying to deal with family members or spouses who are emotional vampires. Another area where Bernstein could cou ld have offered more discussion is with borderline personality disorder. Borderline personality disorder is a somewhat common type o f emotional vampirism that wreaks all kinds of havoc o n relationships, particularly a romantic or biological relationship. RECOMMENDATION I highly recommend Emotional Vampires: Dealing with People Who Drain You Dryfor  Dryfor  individuals experiencing problems with difficult people, primarily at work or similar settings. settings. If  you are frequently frustrated by the mixed signals that others send, you will benefit from being able to classify their actions into something that does make sense. Even though I already 6 understood emotional vampires fairly well, I really enjoyed t he light-hearted and approachable writing and still learned a few things that just might help me in the future.It is useful for dealing with people on the t he low end of the disorder spectrum, but should not be used for dealing d ealing with a full-blown sociopath; some peop le simply require professional assistance. Self-help books have never been an interest for me, but this th is one is a different. Perhaps it is because Bernstein has not assumedthere is something is wrong with the reader! Instead, he offers practical advice on how to deal with the emotional vampires we may have to face in our  daily lives. Also, it is not a µwhy¶ book, as in, µWhy do these people do what they do?¶Bernstein correctly points out that sympathizing with their p lights, crises, crises, childhood traumas, trau mas, etc. does not teach us how to deal with their behaviours. Instead, it is a µhow¶ boo k, as in µHow do I deal with these people?¶The book boo k provides ample fictitious dialogues to illustrate a few cases for dealing with each personality type, and the t he author's no-nonsense style ensures that the t he point of each chapter is clearly conveyed. My major disappointment with this book, as with all self-help books, is that it presumes that ³if only I manage better, bett er, I will achieve better results´. Some people find t his type of book to be ³empowering´.This approach makes no allowance for the Spirit of God working in our lives or in the lives of others, it fails to acknowledge the power of prayer, and fails to acknowledge the presence of Christ in both the ³emotional vampire´ and their victim. Without any spiritual dimension, this type of boo k simply pits one individual against another. So while I would recommend this book for someone looking for survival techniques, or  for a lay or secular therapis therap istlooking tlooking for general background back ground reading. I would not recommend it for use by a pastoral care giver. g iver.